There is no opposition between faith and science, says Benedict XVI, who proposed the example of St. Albert the Great to illustrate this truth.

Well, of course! What better way to demonstrate the compatibility of science and religion than with the example of a man who lived 800 years ago, back in the heyday of science!

You might not be familiar with Albert, as for some reason *cough* anti-religious-bias *cough* they tend not to teach much about him in science class, but he was a real scientist’s scientist.

For instance, he was an earlier pioneer of alchemy, and (like Nicolas Flamel in the British versions of Harry Potter) he wrote a treatise on the Philosopher’s Stone. He discovered the depilatory effects of frog ashes. His theory of astrological talismans was centuries ahead of its time. He witnessed the creation of gold by “transmutation,” which even today’s scientists can’t manage. And he was even said to be interested in phrenology, which wasn’t even really popular until 500 years later.

So next time someone tries to tell you faith and science aren’t compatible, you just remind them that the 13th century says different!

• carbon dioxide
• third-world “kleptocrats” trying to usher in a “New International Economic Order”
• cow farts
• Marxism
• meat-eating
• Swiss prayers
• sunspots
• the earth’s increasingly-hot molten core
• nothing
• the Industrial Revolution
• government funding for studying global warming
• power-driven financiers and profit-driven corporations and their cartels backed by military might, looking to disguise their influence

And now, noted climatologist Benedict XVI has proposed a new theory: religious disbelief:

In fact, “when ‘human ecology’ is respected in society, environmental ecology also benefits.” Is it not true that inconsiderate use of creation begins where God is marginalized or also where is existence is denied? If the human creature’s relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the “final authority,” and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.

Of course, this theory is as nonsensical as all the previous ones. If anything, the non-religious are more environmentally responsible, because they don’t have to participate in earth-destroying religious rituals!

How many greenhouse gases do traditional open-air Hindu funeral pyres emit? Where is Greenpeace standing up against ritual animal sacrifice? Why haven’t Catholics retooled the sacrament of Anointing in order to lessen our dependence on oil? How many resources could be saved if the Hajj was held via teleconference? What about Zoroastrian Fire Temples? All the trees that are chopped down to make Shinto Ema? The precious fertile topsoil eaten by Juche practitioners. The paper wasted by Scientologists to artificially keep Dianetics on the bestseller list?

Not to mention the filthy polluting smoke used as part of every papal election? If that’s not an “inconsiderate use of creation,” I don’t know what is!

No, it’s Alma Mater, the debut album from musical wunderkind Benedict XVI:

His holiness will be singing a Marian prayer as well as speaking Lauretan Litanies in different languages – Italian, Portuguese, French and German – accompanied by eight original pieces of modern classical music.

Will it reach the musical heights of Al Gore’s grammy-winning An Inconvenient Truth? Certainly not without cleverly-designed album art!

Now, anyone who’s examined the cover of my book knows that I’m no artist. Nonetheless, I think I’ve come up with a pretty compelling concept:

WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL?

What’s the point of being Pope if your guardian angel isn’t protecting you from slippery floors? I mean, sure, there’s page boys lining up to sodomize you, and you might get to have a posthumous show trial, and there’s opportunity to fornicate with your father’s concubine, and if you get sick of the job you can always sell it to your godfather.

But you can do pretty much all those things simply by getting elected to Congress. Whereas the guardian angel only comes with the papacy. And the guardian angel totally dropped the ball on this one.

However, true to his heritage, Benedict offers up the Nuremberg Defense on the angel’s behalf:

Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.

That’s dangerous territory, of course. I feel an obligation to tell Benedict that if he accuses Yahweh of ordering the broken wrist without proper evidence, he’ll be subject to Court-Martial for professional misconduct. And that’s something that’ll be stapled to every job application he ever fills out.

However, I have an idea. We just need to get Yahweh on the stand. And then it would go a little something like this:

BENEDICT
Yahweh! Did you order the broken wrist?!!

GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT
You don’t have to answer that question!

GOD THE FATHER
I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

BENEDICT
I think I’m entitled to them.

GOD THE FATHER
You want answers?!

BENEDICT
I want the truth!

GOD THE FATHER
You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has a firmament, and that firmament has to be guarded by angels with wings. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Benedict? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for your wrist, and you curse the Heavens. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that your broken wrist, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that firmament — you need me on that firmament.

We use words like “faith,” “obesiance,” “BioLogos.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.

I would rather that you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a prayer book and stand the post. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!

BENEDICT
Did you order the broken wrist?

GOD THE FATHER
I did the job I was –

BENEDICT
— Did you order the broken wrist?!

GOD THE FATHER
You’re me damn right I did!!!

GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT
Guard the prisoner.

GOD THE FATHER
I’m being charged with a crime?

I’m gonna tear your eyes right outta your head and piss in your dead skull. You fucked with the wrong deity.

All you did was weaken a religion today, Benedict. That’s all you did. You put people in danger. Sweet dreams, son.

BENEDICT
Don’t call me son.
(beat)
Jesus is your son. I’m a pope, and the head of the Vatican City. And you’re under arrest, you son of a bitch.

FADE OUT

Nonetheless, it’s easy to pick out four key themes:

1. Fascism:

To manage the global economy; to revive economies hit by the crisis; to avoid any deterioration of the present crisis and the greater imbalances that would result; to bring about integral and timely disarmament, food security and peace; to guarantee the protection of the environment and to regulate migration: for all this, there is urgent need of a true world political authority

(I think he stole this idea from Hayek, or possibly Orwell, or maybe both.)

2. Monoculture:

Obviously it would have to have the authority to ensure compliance with its decisions from all parties, and also with the coordinated measures adopted in various international forums. Without this, despite the great progress accomplished in various sectors, international law would risk being conditioned by the balance of power among the strongest nations.

(This seems possibly related to Jesus’s famous recommendation to “Put all thine eggs in one basket.”)

3. Redistributionism “governed by politics”:

Economic life undoubtedly requires contracts, in order to regulate relations of exchange between goods of equivalent value. But it also needs just laws and forms of redistribution governed by politics

(Although he didn’t give any specific examples of “redistribution governed by politics,” the morning papers are consistently full of such stories, like “congressman seeks taxpayer dollars for tony private club” and “congressman uses taxpayer dollars to fund remote, mostly-useless, eponymous airport,” and “city council member awards lucrative sludge-hauling contract to bribe-paying bidder.” Obviously, the endorsement of such behavior by the church is not without precedent.)

4. Anti-atheism:

ideological rejection of God and an atheism of indifference, oblivious to the Creator and at risk of becoming equally oblivious to human values, constitute some of the chief obstacles to development today.

Oh, yes, those horrible, horrible atheists. Why, I’m sure with their oversized presence in politics they’re getting in the way of all the religious people clamoring for nationalized health care, or perhaps they’re getting in the way of the religious people arguing against nationalized health care.

I bet it’s the atheists who are standing in the way of all the pro-gun Christians, as well as in the way of all the anti-gun Christians.

And it must be the atheists who are fighting against minimum wage increases, while simultaneously fighting for minimum wage increases.

Why, if you can think of a political issue that some Christians support and other Christians oppose (which includes, oh, pretty much all political issues), then probably it’s the nasty “oblivious to human values” atheists who are fighting for and against it. You tell it to them, Benny!

Now, Priests aren’t supposed to have girlfriends, and also the Catholic Church doesn’t recognize divorce, which got Cutié doubly in trouble. Instead of waiting around for a nun to beat him senseless with a ruler, he instead joined the Episcopal church, where he delivered his first sermon this morning:

The former priest received a standing ovation and told several jokes, quipping at one point that “my stuff is in storage.”

Thanks to a favor I once did for the Archbishop of Canterbury, I got a sneak peek at Cutié’s joke-filled opening monologue:

Finally, Father Oprah has come back to Anglicanism. [pause for laughter] Now, I know what some of you are thinking: Father Oprah’s just here for the lonely, divorced women. And I’m not going to bear false witness [pause for laughter], some of your divorcees estan muy buenas! [pause for laughter]

But it’s also a huge relief not to have to believe in transsubstantiation anymore. I mean, I can believe that someone could turn crackers into toffee [pause for laughter] or wine into sangria. [pause for laughter] But turning them into the flesh and blood of Jesus? That’s kind of gross!

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against people wanting to get flesh and bodily fluids in their mouths … especially when the people are hot divorcees! [pause for laughter] And especially when the flesh and fluids are mine! [pause for laughter and hoots] But crackers can’t turn into flesh. Again, crackers can’t turn into flesh. So ladies, next time you want to get your mouth on some “divinity,” you talk to Father Oprah, because [points at crotch] ain’t no crackers down there! Am I right, gentlemen? [pause for "woof, woof, woof" noises from male parishioners]

Also, I’ve got to say, it’s somewhat of a relief not to have to take marching orders from the Pope anymore. He’s definitely a smart man, there’s no doubt about that, but all that goose-stepping was giving me muscle cramps! [pause for laughter] And how much bratwurst can one cardinal eat? [pause for laughter] I swear, every time there was a conclave in Rome, I was shitting pig intestines for a week! [pause for laughter] One of my flights back to Miami someone thought there were WMDs in the bathroom! [pause for laughter] Wurst-Mess Dookies! [long pause for sustained laughter]

Anyway, it’s great to be here. I look forward to years of productive relationships with your divorcees. [pause for laughter] I mean, with all of you. [pause for applause] God bless!