For instance, today the Associated Press brings us the superficially-reassuring, damning-with-faint-praise news that the major-party candidates to be the next governor of Illinois “mostly accept evolution.” Well, that’s mostly great news for fans of science! At least until you dig into the details and find out what “mostly accept” comprises:

Adam Andrzejewski:

Yes. As a practicing Catholic, I believe that God created Darwin. Let others debate the details.

Is this what practicing Catholics believe? “On the 2,034,077th day, God created Darwin”? I’m also not sure whether “let others debate the details” is a good attitude to have in a leader. I’m learning toward yes.

Bill Brady:

I accept the theory of creation, as I was taught, and believe the world has continued to evolve since.

Well, if he was taught the theory of creation, it would be pretty unreasonable of us to expect him to re-evaluate it.

Kirk Dillard:

Science seems to support evolution but there is no doubt that I have seen the hand of God at work in my travels and everyday life.

Here we have the first yes but. Yes, science seems to support evolution, but those of us who are intimately acquanted with god’s hand know better!

Andy McKenna:

Yes, but I also believe that the process of evolution has been guided by the creative power of God.

“Yes, I believe in evolution, but also I don’t. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Dan Proft:

The current political class in Springfield make me question the veracity of natural selection. That aside, I do not believe there needs to be a divide between religious belief and the scientific method. … The evidence seems to me fairly clear that, as Pope John Paul II wrote, human beings have a ‘common ancestry of life’ from which we have evolved.

He’s making a joke, get it? See, among Illinois politicians, traits that are deleterious to survival and reproduction (e.g. Blagojevich hair) are actually becoming more prevalent over time! Is that not what he meant? OK, well, as long as he believes in keeping religion and science separate. He does, right?

Jim Ryan:

Evolution is a reasonable theory. Regardless of the extent of its truth, I believe that God was ultimately responsible for our creation and infused human beings with a soul.

“I don’t want to take a stand on whether it’s true, but I suppose it’s reasonable. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Bob Schillerstrom:

I accept the theory of evolution. There is compelling scientific evidence to show that evolution does occur. I also believe science and religion answer life’s questions in complementary ways.

Science gives true answers, and religion gives false answers. Thus, they’re complementary. Is that not what he meant?

Dan Hynes:

I accept the theory of evolution.

I’d vote for this guy if I didn’t believe that voting is an irrational act.

Pat Quinn:

I believe that the scientific theory of evolution is the best explanation we have for the origin and diversity of species on Earth. As a Catholic, I do not see any discrepancy between my acceptance of widely held scientific principles and my faith in God as the prime mover of the universe.”

“I mostly accept evolution, but I’m a Catholic. Can you put in the article that I’m a Catholic? I don’t want people thinking I’m not a Catholic!”

–

I don’t know about you, but I’m already excited for future installments like ‘California Senate candidates mostly accept Calvinism’ and ‘New York City mayoral candidates mostly believe in gravity’ and ‘Obama appointees mostly believe in paying their taxes‘!

He calls attention to the following three teachings:

(1) “Sell the milk and honey”

In other words, no matter how bleak things look, remind everyone that you were promised by a disembodied voice speaking to you from a burning-but-not-being-consumed bush that things will eventually (say, in 40 years) be better.

(I’m pretty sure that Obama is already doing this.)

(2) “Remember the Nile”

If you’ll recall, as part of the first plague Moses told his brother to raise his staff and turn the water in the Nile River into blood. However, the Pharaoh’s sorcerers were also able to turn the river into blood.

I think the river of blood is some sort of reference to Afghanistan. However, this teaching is probably too oblique to be useful.

(3) “The one on Sinai takes the heat”

Basically, Moses also had to deal with accusations of being a secret Muslim, of lacking a birth certificate, of being a protege of Bill Ayers, of attending a racist church, and of having a [holy-]ghostwritten autobiography.

Did he react by getting angry, breaking his stone tablets, forcing people to drink gold-ash water, demanding that people take swords and kill their brothers and friends and neighbors, and calling down a plague on the survivors?

Well, I suppose he did.

(But I’m pretty sure that Obama is already doing this, too.)

I’m not sure why Feiler stopped at three, though. I can think of lots more relevant Moses-lessons:

• if you kill somebody, make sure to bury the body in the sand and hope no one squeals
• before diving into politics, practice turning your rod into a serpent (I think this might be a Bill Clinton reference) and inflicting and curing leprosy. You know, just in case.
• promise everyone a free lunch
• if people ever doubt the wisdom of one of your military adventures, make them wander in the desert for 40 years as punishment
• if anyone questions your authority, get the earth to swallow them and their families and all their possessions
• make a bronze snake on a pole, so that people who get bitten by poisonous snakes can look at it and be cured
• whatever you do, don’t hit a rock with a stick!

Move over, David Axelrod!

It turns out, though, there’s a simpler explanation for the quiet seas: Yahweh:

[Florida Governor] Crist said he isn’t trying to take credit, but he told a group of real estate agents Friday that he’s had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem each year and no major storms have hit Florida.

Although few are willing to openly talk about it, it turns out that Crist is not the only one placing notes in the “Wailing Wall” as a gubernatorial aid. Through careful research, I’ve found the following examples.

Gray Davis

“Dear god, I’m so sick of this crap job, please get me out!”

Mark Sanford

“God, I’ve always wanted to make it with a wise Latina! Can you help?”

Bobby Jindal

“Please, god, make me a decent public speaker!”

Jim McGreevey

“God, if you can just make Golan return my affections, I promise that I’ll become a priest after I get kicked out of politics!”

Rod Blagojevich

“God, you fucker, I know you’re interested in this fucking Senate seat, but you’re not willing to give me anything but appreciation? Well, fuck you!”

Obviously, the results are somewhat iffy.

Under the Bill, public sector bodies will be expected to monitor employee beliefs to help promote religious equality at work, in the same way organisations monitor race, gender and disabilities.

Now, I totally understand monitoring disabilities, because it can get kind of messy if you don’t office the handicapped people on floors that have those special, extra-wide restroom stalls with safety handles and toilet-seat protectors.

The rest, though! I once had a co-worker who monitored my gender, and I hers, and then things went awry, and then every time we had to use the deep fryer at the same time it was super-awkward.

I also used to scrupulously monitor co-worker’s races. I collected these data in spreadsheets, from which I made charts and Powerpoints and infographics, which I posted all over the building. (“COMPETENCE, BY RACE, 2007.”) This also did not end well.

Nonetheless, these are at least superficial characteristics. You don’t have to ask about them at job interviews — you can just base them on what people are wearing and what kind of locomotive aids they use and the shapes of their skulls.

Religion, on the other hand, you’ll really have to probe. Sure, if someone is wearing a burqa, or a beanie, or a turban, or a forehead-dot, then you can figure it out on your own. But many religious people dress just like normal people!

So you’ll have to get a little clever with your interviewing. As I have had my share of, um, dealings with human resources over the years, I like to think I have a good understanding of how they do business. Accordingly, here are some suggested interview questions:

• Write computer code that takes as input an array of gods and sorts them from most plausible to least plausible. Test it on the inputs (Jesus, Yahweh, Allah), (Ahura Mazda, Ganesh, Haneullim), and (Lolth, Garl Glittergold, Wee Jas).
• Tell me about a problem you once had with a clergyman. How did you resolve it?
• If your boss told you to speak to a rock in order to get water out of it, would you speak to it or strike it with your staff?
• What religion do you look for in a boss?
• How would you explain theodicy to a five-year-old?
• Tell me about a time when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand.

Not so in Tulsa, where mayoral candidate Anna Falling is keeping things interesting by insisting that the most important issue is adding a creationism display to the city zoo:

“It’s first,” she said to calls of “hallelujah” at a rally outside the zoo. “If we can’t come to the foundation of faith in this community, those other answers will never come. We need to first of all recognize the fact that God needs to be honored in this city.”

She’s also got clever ideas about what sorts of people she wants in her administration:

Falling, who has founded several Christian nonprofit groups and is a former city councilor, also said the next mayor needs to appoint people to boards, authorities and commissions who will “honor God.”

“We will also look for people who want to characterize the origins of both man and animals in a way that honors Judeo-Christian science that proves God as the creator,” she said.

It’s not hard to see the potential benefits of this “honoring science” approach. It could lead to closer ties between the Greater Tulsa Area Hispanic Affairs Commission and the Catholic Church. The Ethics Advisory Committee could finally stake out a strong position on blasphemy. And the Plumbing Appeals Board could insist that plumbers offer an add-on service of clearing out blocked places in spiritual pipes.

Of course, in Mooney and Kirshenbaum’s America, no one taking such a pro-science stance could ever get elected. I predict Falling won’t even make it through the primary. And, like Mooney and Kirshenbaum, I blame the New Atheists.

A coalition of Christian, Jewish and Muslim leaders has launched a national campaign for health care reform, calling it a “fundamental religious issue,” in hopes of countering the vocal opposition exhibited at recent town hall meetings.

How is it a “fundamental religious issue”? Well, if he’d had health insurance, then Jesus might not have died on the cross. Similarly, Khadijah may have received better end-of-life treatment, which could have averted the Year of Sorrow. And if profit-seeking insurance-company bureaucrats hadn’t considered Abraham’s foreskin a “pre-existing condition,” he wouldn’t have had to circumcise himself.

The Muslims seem to be moving first, offering a proposal for a new dental plan:

The residents say anyone seen with a silver or gold tooth is taken to a masked man who then rips them out with pincers or his hands. The Shabab says gold and silver teeth are used for fashion and beauty, which is against strict interpretations of Islam, residents said.

But I’m sure the Jews and Christians have lots of good ideas too!

Nonetheless, it’s easy to pick out four key themes:

1. Fascism:

To manage the global economy; to revive economies hit by the crisis; to avoid any deterioration of the present crisis and the greater imbalances that would result; to bring about integral and timely disarmament, food security and peace; to guarantee the protection of the environment and to regulate migration: for all this, there is urgent need of a true world political authority

(I think he stole this idea from Hayek, or possibly Orwell, or maybe both.)

2. Monoculture:

Obviously it would have to have the authority to ensure compliance with its decisions from all parties, and also with the coordinated measures adopted in various international forums. Without this, despite the great progress accomplished in various sectors, international law would risk being conditioned by the balance of power among the strongest nations.

(This seems possibly related to Jesus’s famous recommendation to “Put all thine eggs in one basket.”)

3. Redistributionism “governed by politics”:

Economic life undoubtedly requires contracts, in order to regulate relations of exchange between goods of equivalent value. But it also needs just laws and forms of redistribution governed by politics

(Although he didn’t give any specific examples of “redistribution governed by politics,” the morning papers are consistently full of such stories, like “congressman seeks taxpayer dollars for tony private club” and “congressman uses taxpayer dollars to fund remote, mostly-useless, eponymous airport,” and “city council member awards lucrative sludge-hauling contract to bribe-paying bidder.” Obviously, the endorsement of such behavior by the church is not without precedent.)

4. Anti-atheism:

ideological rejection of God and an atheism of indifference, oblivious to the Creator and at risk of becoming equally oblivious to human values, constitute some of the chief obstacles to development today.

Oh, yes, those horrible, horrible atheists. Why, I’m sure with their oversized presence in politics they’re getting in the way of all the religious people clamoring for nationalized health care, or perhaps they’re getting in the way of the religious people arguing against nationalized health care.

I bet it’s the atheists who are standing in the way of all the pro-gun Christians, as well as in the way of all the anti-gun Christians.

And it must be the atheists who are fighting against minimum wage increases, while simultaneously fighting for minimum wage increases.

Why, if you can think of a political issue that some Christians support and other Christians oppose (which includes, oh, pretty much all political issues), then probably it’s the nasty “oblivious to human values” atheists who are fighting for and against it. You tell it to them, Benny!

But now, with every TV network seemingly devoted to showing Hercules Hook ads and Vince Offer interviews, you might have missed the news that Sanford has begun comparing himself to the biblical King David:

“And what I find interesting is the story of David and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very, very significant ways but then picked up the pieces and then built from there.”

And it’s true there are some obvious similarities between the two:

• both temporarily worked as shepherds
• both rose to fame by using a harp to dispel evil spirits
• both members of secretive religious groups
• both slew 9-foot-tall giants

However, there are a number of parts of the David story that Sanford has yet to fulfill. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in eagerly looking forward to the following:

• sexual relationship with son of political patron
• conquering Syria and Jordan (although I’m not looking forward to the mass exterminations)
• foreskin collection
• judicious use of concubines
• eventual burial in eponymous city

Unless Bobby Jindal can pull another exorcism out of his hat, I think I know who I’m pulling for in 2012.

The septic fight began in late 2006 when the executive director of the Cambria County Sewage Enforcement Agency, Deborah Sedlmeyer, found that human waste at the schoolhouse, where 18 children were taught, was being collected in a 50-gallon metal drum under an outhouse

“It was overrunning the barrels,” Ms. Sedlmeyer said, and it was being dumped, untreated, onto nearby fields.

The Swartzentrubers agreed to improve the outhouses, adding a larger, 250-gallon holding tank and treating the waste with lime.

But they refused to follow state law, which called for installing a 5,000-gallon precast concrete tank and allowing someone certified by the state to use an electronic meter to test the waste’s chemical content.

The elders had determined that use of a precast tank was too modern — they want to make the vat themselves — as was the electronic meter and the requirement that they obtain certification to do the testing.

Perhaps, though, their refusal to use the color orange makes them a bit too anti-modern for your tastes. In which case why not start your own Amish sect? You’ll still get the ACLU on your side, and you can decide which laws are “too modern” and which ones aren’t.

For instance, if I were to start my own Amish sect (the “Rolltreppenbenutzungshinweise Amish”), we would probably decide that the following laws were “too modern”:

• marijuana prohibition
• speed limits
• income tax
• the DMCA
• Campaign Finance Reform
• Stimulus 2009

We’d start a farm somewhere in Pennsylvania, grow weed, drive as fast as we want, keep our income, circumvent DRM, single-handedly finance fringe political candidates, and not piss away a trillion dollars of our neighbors money.

That sounds kind of good, actually! Who’s in?

That explains why a surprising number of college students are looking for (government / religious) jobs. Applications to graduate programs in (“public policy” / religion) are up substantially over previous years:

Though Attridge identified declining job prospects as a potential motivator for students to continue their education, he pointed to a crop of contemporary moral and (political / religious) issues as a key influence on students seeking [to] study (public policy / religion).

Among those relatively new issues are global climate change and “gross immorality in the financial sector,” Attridge said, which may have inspired students to take a more (command-and-control / command-and-control) approach toward community service.

“There are questions about whether the fundamental moral fiber of the country is corroded,” Attridge said.

The explanation resonates strongly with Stephen Blackmer, who will begin studying for a master of (public policy / divinity) at [Yale] this fall. Blackmer, 53, had worked in conservation and sustainable development for nearly 30 years before answering a call to join the (government / ministry).

Blackmer said his experience has taught him that the main obstacle to slowing climate change is not technological or economic, but (political / spiritual).

“Climate change is in effect a (political / spiritual) problem, because we’ve developed the technologies to protect the world from climate change, but not the (authority / wisdom) to use them,” he said.

Blackmer, who said he hopes to join an “environmental (lobby / ministry)” after graduating, said the slumping economy made his decision to attend (policy / divinity) school easier.

In fact, people like Blackmer are overwhelming graduate programs, who are seeing record numbers of applicants. Probably, though, there’s nothing to worry about:

Attridge and Aleshire take a positive outlook to the future of (political / theological) education, and both said they expect the applications to continue to rise.

“We’re at a cultural moment when there’s a lot of concern about the common good,” Aleshire said. “(Politics / Religion) is a social force.”