# 58% associate Islam with extremism
# 50% associate Islam with terrorism
# Just 13% associate Islam with peace

Part of the problem is that people are getting information from completely biased sources:

# 57% obtain most of their information about Islam from the TV news
# 41% obtain their information about Islam from newspapers
# Just 3% get most of their information on Islam from Muslim organisations

After all, when you want to know about (say) the BP oil spill, you don’t go to the TV or newspapers. You want a website run by BP itself, since they’re the unbiased experts on the topic.

Accordingly, a bunch of Muslims have put together a site talking about how much they like Muhammad. It’s got video testimonials, inspiring quotes from modern-day scholars like H.G. Wells, timely examples from the Ottoman Empire and Muslim-occupied Spain, and a bright and cheerful color scheme.

The one thing it doesn’t do, alas, is provide any evidence to refute the poll results.

If people believe that Islam is associated with terrorism, it’s a complete non sequitur to respond that Muhammad was interested in Women’s Rights and Education.

For one thing, neither of these is particularly related to terrorism. More importantly, it doesn’t matter what Mohammed said. People associate Islam with terrorism because there are lots of prominent terrorist groups who explicitly claim Islam as their motivation. People think Islam has backward views on Education and Women’s Rights, because there are Islamic countries that have religiously-motivated backward policies on Education and Women’s Rights.

If your goal is to convince people that Islam and terrorism have nothing to do with each other, you might want to put up a webpage or two addressing the reasons why people think they do. (For extra credit you might consider condemning the people responsible for creating the impression, who — you’ll be surprised to learn — aren’t the TV stations and newspapers.) If your goal is to convince people that Islam is progressive on Women’s Rights, you might want to talk about the parts of the world where Islam is used to justify denying rights to women.

After all, even BP isn’t trying to deny that an oil spill is happening!

When I was in fifth grade, those of us in the “gifted” program spent a couple of days learning about puppeteering. We created our own minarets (mine was called “Andy,” probably in honor of Andy Kaufman) and scripted a puppet show about the LA Summer Olympics and staged it for the “non-gifted” students, who showed their appreciation by beating us up and stealing our lunches.

I’ve never cared much for puppets since. Nonetheless, I can’t say I support the Swiss plan to ban them:

“A majority of the Swiss people and the cantons have adopted the popular initiative against the construction of minarets. The Federal Council respects this decision,” a government statement said.

“Consequently the construction of new minarets in Switzerland is no longer permitted. The four existing minarets will remain.”

Apparently this is intended as some sort of rebuke to Islam, for which (as I discovered on YouTube) puppetry is a major means of proselytization.

Nonetheless, I’m guessing that it will be pretty ineffectual. First, it sounds like they can still use the four minarets they’ve already got. This may not be enough to stage “The Sound of Music,” but should be more than sufficient to put on a child-pleasing production of “Mohammed and Aisha.”

More importantly, there’s no way to stop people from following charming instructional videos made by Australian children and making their own minarets at home.

With any luck, the Swiss will quickly realize the folly of arts-and-crafts prohibition and get back to rolling chocolate cakes around layers of creme filling and drenching them with fudge coating.

Of course, around these parts every day is Blasphemy Day, so today we’re actually focused on celebrating the anniversary of when a thetan was reborn as Jenna Elfman.

Nonetheless, we like to think that we have some expertise in things blasphemous. In that spirit [ha!], here are some celebratory tips:

• participate in the CFI’s contest to come up with the best 20-word-or-less blasphemy. I am unable to write succinctly enough to participate; therefore, you are welcome to my idea of rhyming “Medina” and “vagina.” If you are less strict about your rhymes, “Jesus” and “penis” could work too. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

  There’s also some sort of essay contest for college students, which I am unfortunately too old to enter. Based on my hazy recollections of college, I’m pretty sure a good strategy would involve writing about Ayn Rand.

• give gift copies of Your Religion Is False, the Official Book of Blasphemy Day. (Note: not actually associated with Blasphemy Day.)
• using the internet (or any other computer network), download your favorite slashfic (I myself am partial to Dumbledore/Snape pairings), recast it into a first-person narrative, and “confess” it to a priest.
• create some B.C. cartoons featuring Mohammed. This is doubly blasphemous! Also, as they are “B.C.” cartoons, there’s no need to make them funny. Perhaps Mohammed could be climbing a mountain to ask a question of some wise ascetic, like “oh, great guru, at what age should I deflower my child bride?” The guru could then come back with a pithy retort, which you can write yourself. I’m not going to do all your work for you!
• aerosol cheese + Most Precious Body of Christ = yummy! (Also, fruit + sugar + Blood of Christ makes for a refreshing, linguistically-authentic sangria.)
• rent a hot dog cart and set up shop right outside a Hindu temple. Offer special prices on the “100% all-beef Brahmin Dog.” As there might be Buddhists hanging around, you should also stiff your customers and use the “change comes from within” joke.
• make “Jesus is coming, so” jokes on Twitter. Suggested punch lines include “look busy,” “close your eyes and open your mouth,” “grab a towel,” “tell the cameraman to zoom in on her face,” and “don’t be surprised if you feel a burning sensation. That’s normal. Totally normal. We promise. Mention this to anyone and you’re dead!”

Above all, make sure to have fun!

You might think that the German Muslims would be happy that a bunch of non-Muslim hooligans accepted Muhammad as a “prophet.” But no, instead they focused on the part of the song maligning his ball skills.

Now, scripture makes clear that Muhammad knew plenty about running, wrestling, boxing, archery, and courting.

However, as you can check with your favorite Quranic search tool (I myself am partial to “Qoogle”), there are no mentions of “soccer,” “football,” “corner kick,” “goalie,” “Pele,” “Cruyff Turn,” “prawn sandwich brigade,” “rainbow kick,” “midfield maestro,” or “keepie uppie.”

You might think that’s the end of the story. But you’d be neglecting Muhammad’s demonstrated interest in the Group of Death, as well as his expertise in pitch invasions.

Furthermore, in order to decide that nutmeg was haraam, he would have had to be pretty familiar with the game’s nuances. Therefore, we can reasonably conclude that Muhammad knew plenty about football.

Hopefully our Schalkebekannten will issue some sort of lyrical correction, perhaps “Muhammed bent it way before Beckham,” or “Muhammed may have been a epileptic, but he knows plenty about football,” or “Even though Muhammad predated the first known reference to football by a couple of centuries, he was nonetheless an expert on its rules and strategies.”

Next time: we analyze “Moses Was a Prophet Who Couldn’t Dunk a Basketball.”

This morning, for instance, I was treated to a hard-hitting interview with Gwen Stefani. A discussion of wedding insurance. And a reminder that tonight is the 1388th anniversary of Mohammed’s famous all-night roadtrip from Mecca to Jerusalem:

Isra and Miraj is such a miraculous story. The trip was witnessed by no one and consequently required the faithful of the time to believe in the unseen. Believing the story of Isra and Miraj today still requires an act of faith — faith that is paramount in Islam because it recognizes God’s ability to make possible the impossible.

Now, I’m sure that Jerusalem is an exciting place to visit. There’s always a chance that you’ll get spit on by Orthodox Jews. You might end up in the middle of a civil war between child-abusers and CPS. Even parking your car is sometimes a grand adventure.

Nonetheless, if we’re going devote scarce newspaper space (and take time out of our busy schedules) to celebrate something “impossible” that also wasn’t observed by anyone, can’t we come up with something a little more imaginative?

Like, how about celebrating the time that I almost stole Melrose Place’s Sydney Andrews away from the evil Dr. Michael Mancini? Or the time that Charles and Buddy ruined my date with Jamie Powell? Or the time that Fergie sang me a Lionel Richie song while I was dressed as a clown?

Or maybe you’re just the sort of faithless jerk who’d rather deny god’s ability to “make possible the impossible.” Who doesn’t believe in “god’s infinite power.” And who doesn’t find fairy tales “spiritually gratifying.”

Well, that’s your loss. Sydney and Jamie and Fergie and I will take a few minutes out of our date tonight to feel sorry for you.

There are two things that are stopping me from joining the excitement. First, I don’t speak Turkish. And second, the show sounds terribly boring. Trying to sell people on a religion? How is that any different from the church shows that flood the airwaves every Sunday morning, the “Muslim Power Hour” that comes on public access each Thursday morning, or “Seinfeld”?

To that end, religious programmers, I offer you some alternative religious game show suggestions:

THE RELIGIOUS MATCH GAME

“Dumb David was so dumb–”

“HOW DUMB WAS HE?”

“He was so dumb, that when he became king of the Jews, instead of collecting 100 foreskins, he collected 100 ________.”

RELIGIOUS JEOPARDY

Starting with an answer (e.g. “God exists”), you have to make up an appropriate question (e.g. “What’s something I can believe in even though there’s no evidence for it?”).

WHEEL OF RELIGIOUS FORTUNE

“Remember, the category is FACT. And there’s only one letter left: ‘_OUR RELIGION IS FALSE’. Do you want to solve the puzzle?”

“No, I’ll guess a letter. Is there a ‘P’?”

WHO WANTS TO BE A RELIGIOUS MILLIONAIRE

Players compete to see who can bilk the most money out of credulous believers. Popular tactics include overpriced devotional text-message services, suicide threats, and faith healing.

IS YOUR RELIGION SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER

We pit your religious scriptures against grade-school students to see who can correctly answer questions like “Is the earth 6000 years old?”

LET’S MAKE A RELIGIOUS DEAL

If you believe in Jesus, and you’re right, then you get an eternity in heaven plus what’s inside this box, but if you don’t believe in Jesus, and you’re wrong, you’ll get what’s behind door #3 (which is a goat).

RELIGIOUS FAMILY FEUD

“Introducing the Mohammed Family! Khadijah, Sawda, Aisha, Hafsa, Zaynab K., Umm Salama, Raihanah, Zaynab J., Juwayriya, Ramlah, Safiyya, Barra, and Maria, ready for action!”

WIN BEN STEIN’S CREATIONISM

Ben Stein asks you questions about evolutionary biology, and whenever you get one right he mocks you and acts as if you’re attacking him.

RELIGIOUS PRICE IS RIGHT

“And the next item up for bid is an indulgence! Manufactured by the Roman Catholic Church, it’s packed with some of the merit acquired by Jesus’s sacrifice. Get rid of those pesky temporal consequences, only with a genuine indulgence!

The one of you who bids closest to the retail value of that indulgence without going over has got some sin in your future! Now, what am I bid?”