For instance, today the Associated Press brings us the superficially-reassuring, damning-with-faint-praise news that the major-party candidates to be the next governor of Illinois “mostly accept evolution.” Well, that’s mostly great news for fans of science! At least until you dig into the details and find out what “mostly accept” comprises:

Adam Andrzejewski:

Yes. As a practicing Catholic, I believe that God created Darwin. Let others debate the details.

Is this what practicing Catholics believe? “On the 2,034,077th day, God created Darwin”? I’m also not sure whether “let others debate the details” is a good attitude to have in a leader. I’m learning toward yes.

Bill Brady:

I accept the theory of creation, as I was taught, and believe the world has continued to evolve since.

Well, if he was taught the theory of creation, it would be pretty unreasonable of us to expect him to re-evaluate it.

Kirk Dillard:

Science seems to support evolution but there is no doubt that I have seen the hand of God at work in my travels and everyday life.

Here we have the first yes but. Yes, science seems to support evolution, but those of us who are intimately acquanted with god’s hand know better!

Andy McKenna:

Yes, but I also believe that the process of evolution has been guided by the creative power of God.

“Yes, I believe in evolution, but also I don’t. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Dan Proft:

The current political class in Springfield make me question the veracity of natural selection. That aside, I do not believe there needs to be a divide between religious belief and the scientific method. … The evidence seems to me fairly clear that, as Pope John Paul II wrote, human beings have a ‘common ancestry of life’ from which we have evolved.

He’s making a joke, get it? See, among Illinois politicians, traits that are deleterious to survival and reproduction (e.g. Blagojevich hair) are actually becoming more prevalent over time! Is that not what he meant? OK, well, as long as he believes in keeping religion and science separate. He does, right?

Jim Ryan:

Evolution is a reasonable theory. Regardless of the extent of its truth, I believe that God was ultimately responsible for our creation and infused human beings with a soul.

“I don’t want to take a stand on whether it’s true, but I suppose it’s reasonable. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Bob Schillerstrom:

I accept the theory of evolution. There is compelling scientific evidence to show that evolution does occur. I also believe science and religion answer life’s questions in complementary ways.

Science gives true answers, and religion gives false answers. Thus, they’re complementary. Is that not what he meant?

Dan Hynes:

I accept the theory of evolution.

I’d vote for this guy if I didn’t believe that voting is an irrational act.

Pat Quinn:

I believe that the scientific theory of evolution is the best explanation we have for the origin and diversity of species on Earth. As a Catholic, I do not see any discrepancy between my acceptance of widely held scientific principles and my faith in God as the prime mover of the universe.”

“I mostly accept evolution, but I’m a Catholic. Can you put in the article that I’m a Catholic? I don’t want people thinking I’m not a Catholic!”

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I don’t know about you, but I’m already excited for future installments like ‘California Senate candidates mostly accept Calvinism’ and ‘New York City mayoral candidates mostly believe in gravity’ and ‘Obama appointees mostly believe in paying their taxes‘!