Pope Benedict XVI is creating a new Vatican office to fight secularization and “re-evangelize” the West — a tacit acknowledgment that his attempts to reinvigorate Christianity in Europe haven’t succeeded and need a new boost.

I like to think that I know a little something about “secularism.” In that spirit, I offer up 10 commandments suggestions to help the Pope with his, um, crusade:

10. Create colorful infographics showing that more children are molested by wicked (presumably secular) step-parents than by priests. (If anyone complains that the priests would look worse per capita, excommunicate him.)

9. Point out how “secular” referees can’t even judge whether a soccer ball goes in the goal or not, whereas the Pope is infallible.

8. Highlight how postponing retiree benefits until after death has allowed the Vatican to escape the fiscal woes plaguing its European peers.

7. Contrast between Papal support of gun control and “secular” American love of firearms ought to appeal to gun-hating weenies.

6. Start own MMA league (e.g. “CatholicForce”) and pay whatever it takes to get Brock Lesnar to join.

5. Sponsor a Judd Apatow movie starring Will Ferrell as a wacky priest, or a Michael Bay movie about robots that turn into priests. Or both!

4. Somehow convince Lady Gaga to use Catholic imagery in one of her videos.

3. Announce a ban on Your Religion Is False. (It could really help with sales!)

2. Reverse the Church’s position on masturbation. (That doesn’t just mean “use the other hand,” although I guess it could.)

1. Abandon mysticism and superstition, embrace science and reason.

They’re yours to use if you want them!

You see, as part of my plan to get into the movie reviewing businesss, I saw Avatar 3-D. And, like thousands of other moviegoers, I developed a severe case of the Avatar Blues, partly out of the realization that male-pattern baldness was going to preclude me from ever hair-bonding with a ten-foot-tall blue version of Sigourney Weaver, and partly because when I went out and tried to sleep in a tree like the Na’vi I got totally bitten up by ants.

Luckily, a few weeks of Avatar fan fiction was enough to bring me out of my funk, at which point I was able to start reading the (non-Avatar-related) news again, where I was delighted to learn that Tim Tebow is going to star in a Super Bowl ad:

The former Florida quarterback and his mother will appear in a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl next month. The Christian group Focus on the Family says the Tebows will share a personal story centering on the theme “Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life.”

The word on the street (OK, on Twitter) is that the commercial is going to focus on Tebow’s anti-abortion views (and possibly also on his pro-amateur-circumcision views). However, when Focus on the Family is involved, you can never be sure what’s going to happen.

For instance, maybe the commercial will be about how to tell whether the heavy metal band your kids are listening to is dedicated to loving Christ (e.g. “Demon Hunter”) or loving the Devil (e.g. “Demon Seeker”). Maybe the commercial will explain what “scripture” can teach us about premarital sex. (“Nothing. Drink Bud Lite!”) Or maybe it will call attention to how the Super Bowl is so often an MTV-like expression of pure filth, especially when Peyton Manning is involved.

Probably, though, it will be about abortion. Back when she was pregnant with Timmy, Tebow’s mom came down with a vicious case of amoebic dysentery, and her doctors warned her that the drugs she was taking could cause the unborn Tim to develop an unorthodox throwing motion and slow release, and possibly be born with ugly Bible-referencing birthmarks below his eyes. Of course, she ignored their pro-abortion suggestions, and the rest is college football history.

I’m not sure if they’re written or filmed the commercial yet, but in case they haven’t, I suggest an It’s a Wonderful Life parody (with Tebow in the Jimmy Stewart role, naturally, and Lou Holtz as his guardian angel) that shows what would have happened if he’d never been born:

• Oklahoma Sooners win 2008 BCS national championship
• homeschoolers never shake stigma of being unathletic spelling-bee nerds
• Erin Drewes never becomes famous
• lots of Filipino boys get to keep their foreskins

Or maybe we’re all wrong and he’ll be pitching pets.com. They’re still big, right?

You might think that the German Muslims would be happy that a bunch of non-Muslim hooligans accepted Muhammad as a “prophet.” But no, instead they focused on the part of the song maligning his ball skills.

Now, scripture makes clear that Muhammad knew plenty about running, wrestling, boxing, archery, and courting.

However, as you can check with your favorite Quranic search tool (I myself am partial to “Qoogle”), there are no mentions of “soccer,” “football,” “corner kick,” “goalie,” “Pele,” “Cruyff Turn,” “prawn sandwich brigade,” “rainbow kick,” “midfield maestro,” or “keepie uppie.”

You might think that’s the end of the story. But you’d be neglecting Muhammad’s demonstrated interest in the Group of Death, as well as his expertise in pitch invasions.

Furthermore, in order to decide that nutmeg was haraam, he would have had to be pretty familiar with the game’s nuances. Therefore, we can reasonably conclude that Muhammad knew plenty about football.

Hopefully our Schalkebekannten will issue some sort of lyrical correction, perhaps “Muhammed bent it way before Beckham,” or “Muhammed may have been a epileptic, but he knows plenty about football,” or “Even though Muhammad predated the first known reference to football by a couple of centuries, he was nonetheless an expert on its rules and strategies.”

Next time: we analyze “Moses Was a Prophet Who Couldn’t Dunk a Basketball.”