• carbon dioxide
• third-world “kleptocrats” trying to usher in a “New International Economic Order”
• cow farts
• Marxism
• meat-eating
• Swiss prayers
• sunspots
• the earth’s increasingly-hot molten core
• nothing
• the Industrial Revolution
• government funding for studying global warming
• power-driven financiers and profit-driven corporations and their cartels backed by military might, looking to disguise their influence

And now, noted climatologist Benedict XVI has proposed a new theory: religious disbelief:

In fact, “when ‘human ecology’ is respected in society, environmental ecology also benefits.” Is it not true that inconsiderate use of creation begins where God is marginalized or also where is existence is denied? If the human creature’s relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the “final authority,” and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.

Of course, this theory is as nonsensical as all the previous ones. If anything, the non-religious are more environmentally responsible, because they don’t have to participate in earth-destroying religious rituals!

How many greenhouse gases do traditional open-air Hindu funeral pyres emit? Where is Greenpeace standing up against ritual animal sacrifice? Why haven’t Catholics retooled the sacrament of Anointing in order to lessen our dependence on oil? How many resources could be saved if the Hajj was held via teleconference? What about Zoroastrian Fire Temples? All the trees that are chopped down to make Shinto Ema? The precious fertile topsoil eaten by Juche practitioners. The paper wasted by Scientologists to artificially keep Dianetics on the bestseller list?

Not to mention the filthy polluting smoke used as part of every papal election? If that’s not an “inconsiderate use of creation,” I don’t know what is!

It turns out, though, there’s a simpler explanation for the quiet seas: Yahweh:

[Florida Governor] Crist said he isn’t trying to take credit, but he told a group of real estate agents Friday that he’s had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem each year and no major storms have hit Florida.

Although few are willing to openly talk about it, it turns out that Crist is not the only one placing notes in the “Wailing Wall” as a gubernatorial aid. Through careful research, I’ve found the following examples.

Gray Davis

“Dear god, I’m so sick of this crap job, please get me out!”

Mark Sanford

“God, I’ve always wanted to make it with a wise Latina! Can you help?”

Bobby Jindal

“Please, god, make me a decent public speaker!”

Jim McGreevey

“God, if you can just make Golan return my affections, I promise that I’ll become a priest after I get kicked out of politics!”

Rod Blagojevich

“God, you fucker, I know you’re interested in this fucking Senate seat, but you’re not willing to give me anything but appreciation? Well, fuck you!”

Obviously, the results are somewhat iffy.

That explains why a surprising number of college students are looking for (government / religious) jobs. Applications to graduate programs in (“public policy” / religion) are up substantially over previous years:

Though Attridge identified declining job prospects as a potential motivator for students to continue their education, he pointed to a crop of contemporary moral and (political / religious) issues as a key influence on students seeking [to] study (public policy / religion).

Among those relatively new issues are global climate change and “gross immorality in the financial sector,” Attridge said, which may have inspired students to take a more (command-and-control / command-and-control) approach toward community service.

“There are questions about whether the fundamental moral fiber of the country is corroded,” Attridge said.

The explanation resonates strongly with Stephen Blackmer, who will begin studying for a master of (public policy / divinity) at [Yale] this fall. Blackmer, 53, had worked in conservation and sustainable development for nearly 30 years before answering a call to join the (government / ministry).

Blackmer said his experience has taught him that the main obstacle to slowing climate change is not technological or economic, but (political / spiritual).

“Climate change is in effect a (political / spiritual) problem, because we’ve developed the technologies to protect the world from climate change, but not the (authority / wisdom) to use them,” he said.

Blackmer, who said he hopes to join an “environmental (lobby / ministry)” after graduating, said the slumping economy made his decision to attend (policy / divinity) school easier.

In fact, people like Blackmer are overwhelming graduate programs, who are seeing record numbers of applicants. Probably, though, there’s nothing to worry about:

Attridge and Aleshire take a positive outlook to the future of (political / theological) education, and both said they expect the applications to continue to rise.

“We’re at a cultural moment when there’s a lot of concern about the common good,” Aleshire said. “(Politics / Religion) is a social force.”