You see, as part of my plan to get into the movie reviewing businesss, I saw Avatar 3-D. And, like thousands of other moviegoers, I developed a severe case of the Avatar Blues, partly out of the realization that male-pattern baldness was going to preclude me from ever hair-bonding with a ten-foot-tall blue version of Sigourney Weaver, and partly because when I went out and tried to sleep in a tree like the Na’vi I got totally bitten up by ants.

Luckily, a few weeks of Avatar fan fiction was enough to bring me out of my funk, at which point I was able to start reading the (non-Avatar-related) news again, where I was delighted to learn that Tim Tebow is going to star in a Super Bowl ad:

The former Florida quarterback and his mother will appear in a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl next month. The Christian group Focus on the Family says the Tebows will share a personal story centering on the theme “Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life.”

The word on the street (OK, on Twitter) is that the commercial is going to focus on Tebow’s anti-abortion views (and possibly also on his pro-amateur-circumcision views). However, when Focus on the Family is involved, you can never be sure what’s going to happen.

For instance, maybe the commercial will be about how to tell whether the heavy metal band your kids are listening to is dedicated to loving Christ (e.g. “Demon Hunter”) or loving the Devil (e.g. “Demon Seeker”). Maybe the commercial will explain what “scripture” can teach us about premarital sex. (“Nothing. Drink Bud Lite!”) Or maybe it will call attention to how the Super Bowl is so often an MTV-like expression of pure filth, especially when Peyton Manning is involved.

Probably, though, it will be about abortion. Back when she was pregnant with Timmy, Tebow’s mom came down with a vicious case of amoebic dysentery, and her doctors warned her that the drugs she was taking could cause the unborn Tim to develop an unorthodox throwing motion and slow release, and possibly be born with ugly Bible-referencing birthmarks below his eyes. Of course, she ignored their pro-abortion suggestions, and the rest is college football history.

I’m not sure if they’re written or filmed the commercial yet, but in case they haven’t, I suggest an It’s a Wonderful Life parody (with Tebow in the Jimmy Stewart role, naturally, and Lou Holtz as his guardian angel) that shows what would have happened if he’d never been born:

• Oklahoma Sooners win 2008 BCS national championship
• homeschoolers never shake stigma of being unathletic spelling-bee nerds
• Erin Drewes never becomes famous
• lots of Filipino boys get to keep their foreskins

Or maybe we’re all wrong and he’ll be pitching pets.com. They’re still big, right?

A coalition of Christian, Jewish and Muslim leaders has launched a national campaign for health care reform, calling it a “fundamental religious issue,” in hopes of countering the vocal opposition exhibited at recent town hall meetings.

How is it a “fundamental religious issue”? Well, if he’d had health insurance, then Jesus might not have died on the cross. Similarly, Khadijah may have received better end-of-life treatment, which could have averted the Year of Sorrow. And if profit-seeking insurance-company bureaucrats hadn’t considered Abraham’s foreskin a “pre-existing condition,” he wouldn’t have had to circumcise himself.

The Muslims seem to be moving first, offering a proposal for a new dental plan:

The residents say anyone seen with a silver or gold tooth is taken to a masked man who then rips them out with pincers or his hands. The Shabab says gold and silver teeth are used for fashion and beauty, which is against strict interpretations of Islam, residents said.

But I’m sure the Jews and Christians have lots of good ideas too!

But at last Tebow has crossed the line, with the revelation that he’s saving himself for marriage.

It’s one thing when some overweight guy who’s afraid of talking to girls “saves” himself. There’s not a whole lot to save.

But we’re talking about a Heisman-trophy-winning quarterback. The big man on campus. The guy whose pajamas Superman wears.

And, apparently, the guy whose belief in Jesus is keeping him from enjoying the company of the thousands of nubile young women who seem to be throwing themselves at him.

If there’s better demonstration of the pernicious effects of religion, I can’t think of it.

And yet you probably found yourself wishing that the Berenstain Bears could also teach you some faith-based lessons. Well, wait no more:

At least one book, “The Berenstain Bears Love Their Neighbors,” is a retelling of a biblical story, that of the Good Samaritan. Others use biblical themes or verses.

The full series is not complete yet, which means that we have lots to look forward to. As a long-time Berenstain Bears fan, I most eagerly anticipate the following:

• The Berenstain Bears Talk to Prostitutes
• The Berenstain Bears and Brother Bear’s Circumcision
• The Berenstain Bears and the Twelve-Piece Concubine
• The Berenstain Bears Learn Biblical Genetics
• The Berenstain Bears Maul the Elijah-Mockers

1. MIDI “Saved by the Bell” theme-song ringtone, and

2. Tetris.

Occasionally I get tempted to buy an iPhone, so that I can easily track my calories and tweet while I’m driving and surf the web from public restrooms.

But then I remember that Apple keeps a dictatorial grasp on their app store. They rejected Trent Reznor’s app. They pulled down the baby-shaking app (forcing would-be shakers to use real babies). And now they’ve rejected Me So Holy, an awesome-looking app that allows you to paste photos of people’s heads on the bodies of religious figures.

This doesn’t bode well for me. And it means I should probably stop throwing my development resources at the “Your Religion Is False” iPhone app, the “Who Would Jesus Bomb?” iPhone app, the “Mohammed and Aisha” iPhone app, and the sure-to-be-a-hit iMohel.

(Although I guess that saves me the trouble of trying to figure out a good touchscreen equivalent of sucking the blood off.)