Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 12th, 2009
In recent years the Catholic Church has been creating new sins with abandon, including “causing social injustice [except when the Catholic Church does it],” “becoming obscenely wealthy [except when the Catholic Church does it],” and “road rage [except when the Catholic Church does it].” And if there’s one man you can count on to take [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 7th, 2009
I’m sure that (like me) you set a special alarm and woke up bright and early so that you could read the Pope’s new encyclical CARITAS IN VERITATE (“Who cares whether all this stuff is true?”) And then (like me) I’m sure you found it interminably long and incomprehensibly boring. Nonetheless, it’s easy to pick [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 28th, 2009
It’s always exciting when scientists are able to corroborate fictional stories. Who wasn’t thrilled when paleontologists found the skeleton of Moby Dick? Who didn’t get excited when epidemiologists were able to isolate the “Captain Trips” virus? What child wasn’t delighted when zoologists successfully trained a mouse to ride a motorcycle? I felt that same sense [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 25th, 2009
Jehovah’s Witness Hell Argument for: hit song “Blood on the Dance Floor” violates JeWit interpretation of Acts 15:28-29 Argument against: kicked out in 1987 for “suggestive dance, dress, and grooming” Muslim Hell Argument for: inclusion of Mohammed caricature on Off the Wall album liner Argument against: professed Shahadah at Toto keyboardist Steve Porcaro‘s house in [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 8th, 2009
The governor of the Vatican visited CERN recently to reassure everyone that the Catholic Church “supports” “science.” In fact, according to his speech, the Church has always supported science. USA Today seems to have reproduced his quote, but for some reason they left out all of the footnotes, which I have carefully reconstructed below: “The [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 3rd, 2009
The Catholic Church is warning its parishioners that Confession is not the same thing as psychiatry. Now, there wouldn’t be confusion if there weren’t similarities. Both involve lots of Latin buzzwords. Both are very unpopular with Scientologists. Both require you to tell your secrets to some weirdo in a dark room. And both present the [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on May 31st, 2009
You’re probably familar with Alberto Cutié. Also known as “Father Oprah” (probably on account of his constant struggles with his weight, his habit of giving free Pontiacs to parishioners, and his millionaire-making endorsements of lousy books), he got caught by Cuban spies a few weeks ago cavorting on the beach with his girlfriend, a divorcée. [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on May 26th, 2009
I was all set to make a “finally, a Catholic on the Supreme Court!” joke. And then I got a memo from the fact-checking department pointing out that we don’t really know for sure what religion Sonia Sotomayor is. It turns out the there’s a lot of evidence both ways: yes: “Sotomayor” sounds like a [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on May 20th, 2009
Never let it be said that the Catholic Church doesn’t embrace change. They lifted a ban on publishing Galileo’s works only 76 years after he died, and they lifted their general prohibition on works advocating heliocentrism only 40 years after that. And only a year after the Cadaver Synod they forbade any future prosecutions of [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on May 16th, 2009
Economic times are tough. Maybe you’re working for a bloated auto company that makes expensive cars no one wants to buy. Maybe you’re a schoolteacher without enough seniority to avoid the latest round of budget cuts. Maybe you work for a Canadian company losing business from “Buy American” provisions in the stimulus bill. Or maybe [...]
