Posted in Uncategorized on Oct 11th, 2009
You probably think you’ve heard them all. Lifeguard at the sewage plant. Public school teacher. Dick Cheney’s hunting buddy. Bill collector for Dr. Kevorkian. Oakland Raiders assistant coach.
Well, now there’s a new one to add to the list: Vatican astronomer.
Sure, the hours are OK, and Rome is full of [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Sep 9th, 2009
It’s tough being a religion teacher these days, what with the kids and their “hard-headed empiricism” and schooling in “scientific methods.”
And when you try and teach them about “the intangible,” why, they think it’s all “fortune-telling and ghosts,” just like they see on the television and the internets!
That’s why you can’t just assume [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Sep 6th, 2009
Why is Catholicism losing popularity? While researching my book I conducted several focus groups and found that the most common reasons were things like
Communion rituals unfairly exclude coeliac disease sufferers
lost faith in natural family planning after tenth pregnancy
tired of being solicited for contributions every papal election season
can’t believe in a [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Aug 14th, 2009
Kateri Tekakwitha, also known as “Lily of the Mohawks,” “Genevieve of New France,” and “The Frigid Midget,” is on the short list for sainthood after having returned from the grave to perform a top-secret miracle:
Just what the recent miracle is that’s been attributed to the intercession or divine intervention of Kateri Tekakwitha, known as the [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 30th, 2009
What’s the hottest album coming out this fall? It’s not Lil Wayne’s Rebirth. It’s not the Beasties’ Hot Sauce Comitttee, Pt. 1. And it’s certainly not Diddy’s Last Train to Paris.
No, it’s Alma Mater, the debut album from musical wunderkind Benedict XVI:
His holiness will be singing a Marian prayer as well as [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 13th, 2009
The early reviews of the new Harry Potter are in, and they’re pretty good:
The Vatican lauded the latest Harry Potter film on Monday, saying Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince made the age-old debate over good vs. evil crystal clear.
Wait, crystal clear? I read the book, and I’m pretty sure that the battle between [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 12th, 2009
In recent years the Catholic Church has been creating new sins with abandon, including “causing social injustice [except when the Catholic Church does it],” “becoming obscenely wealthy [except when the Catholic Church does it],” and “road rage [except when the Catholic Church does it].”
And if there’s one man you can count on to take a [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jul 7th, 2009
I’m sure that (like me) you set a special alarm and woke up bright and early so that you could read the Pope’s new encyclical CARITAS IN VERITATE (“Who cares whether all this stuff is true?”) And then (like me) I’m sure you found it interminably long and incomprehensibly boring.
Nonetheless, it’s easy to pick [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 28th, 2009
It’s always exciting when scientists are able to corroborate fictional stories. Who wasn’t thrilled when paleontologists found the skeleton of Moby Dick? Who didn’t get excited when epidemiologists were able to isolate the “Captain Trips” virus? What child wasn’t delighted when zoologists successfully trained a mouse to ride a motorcycle?
I felt that [...]
Posted in Uncategorized on Jun 25th, 2009
Jehovah’s Witness Hell
Argument for:
hit song “Blood on the Dance Floor” violates JeWit interpretation of Acts 15:28-29
Argument against:
kicked out in 1987 for “suggestive dance, dress, and grooming”
Muslim Hell
Argument for:
inclusion of Mohammed caricature on Off the Wall album liner
Argument against:
professed Shahadah at Toto keyboardist Steve Porcaro’s house in 1998
Jewish Hell
Argument for:
followed heretic “Kosher Sex” teachings of Shmuley [...]
