I’ll start with the public-domain World English Bible, which frees me from having to pay royalties to Moses, Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. And then I’ll augment this “very special” edition of the Bible by including an introduction explaining Adolf Hitler’s undeniable connection to the Bible, and highlighting the Bible’s racism and its disdain for women.

But that’s not all! I also hope to point out the contradictions in BibleMan’s full armor sequence, the book’s underappreciated admonitions not to make fun of bald people, my suspicion that Jayson Blair completely fabricated most of the events in “Revelation,” and an idea I have about how we can use “quantum tunneling” to produce cars that are fueled by ordinary tap water.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the Bible is about 3,000 pages long, which means that with my new introduction it will be almost 3,010 pages. That’s probably going to make the printing costs prohibitively expensive. But you’d buy it for the Kindle. Right?

For instance, there’s a cute article this weekend in the New York Times about a non-religiously-raised kid who suddenly insists his (ex-monk) dad start taking him to church on Sundays:

He did not want his mother to come. Dianne Sweeney, 50, a customer service manager for PepsiCo, had grown up without religion, and a few times when Ryan had mentioned the pope, she had rolled her eyes.

“He thought I didn’t have the right attitude,” Ms. Sweeney said.

What follows is a touching story of redemption. Little Ryan joins the confirmation class; his dad stares at the beautiful stained-glass windows; even the mom eventually tags along and volunteers to bring a carrot salad to the church picnic. (Shrewdly, the article manages not to bring up theology, which might have made it controversial and/or interesting.)

At this point you’re probably wondering if there are any lessons your church can learn from this story.

Among the many reasons Ryan wanted to go: he’s a big reader, enjoys fantasy literature and has seen theories suggesting the world may end in 2013 due to the configuration of magnetic forces. In that case, he said, it would be nice to be on good terms with God.

None of these are traditional elements of church outreach, but they could quite easily be incorporated. Therefore, churches that are hurting for parishioners might consider one or more of the following:

• Advertisements on the History Channel
• Bible read-a-thons
• Sermons focused on religious themes in Narnia books, Lord of the Rings books, Harry Potter books, Twilight books, Dune books, Judy Blume books, Stephen King books, and Dr. Seuss books
• Reinterpretation of Isaiah to include Mayan prophecy

The obvious caveat is that, if parents were to start teaching their kids that fantasy books are fiction and that the Mayan prophecy is nonsense and that “the reason we don’t go to church is because your religion is false,” these plans might not work. But what are the chances of any of those?

And yet you probably found yourself wishing that the Berenstain Bears could also teach you some faith-based lessons. Well, wait no more:

At least one book, “The Berenstain Bears Love Their Neighbors,” is a retelling of a biblical story, that of the Good Samaritan. Others use biblical themes or verses.

The full series is not complete yet, which means that we have lots to look forward to. As a long-time Berenstain Bears fan, I most eagerly anticipate the following:

• The Berenstain Bears Talk to Prostitutes
• The Berenstain Bears and Brother Bear’s Circumcision
• The Berenstain Bears and the Twelve-Piece Concubine
• The Berenstain Bears Learn Biblical Genetics
• The Berenstain Bears Maul the Elijah-Mockers