OK, maybe not all over the world. For some reason the Muslim countries still aren’t on board:

In predominantly Muslim nations, widespread concerns about American policy and American power linger, and while Obama is certainly viewed more favorably than his predecessor, his popularity has translated into only modest improvements in America’s overall image, and in some cases, no change at all.

This is probably just a temporary setback, though. Because Obama totally has a plan to win Muslim friends. All we need to do is help them push for anti-blasphemy laws!

While attracting surprisingly little attention, the Obama administration supported the effort of largely Muslim nations in the U.N. Human Rights Council to recognize exceptions to free speech for any “negative racial and religious stereotyping.” [...] It is viewed as a transparent bid to appeal to the “Muslim street” and our Arab allies, with the administration seeking greater coexistence through the curtailment of objectionable speech.

Now, I’m hardly a disinterested party, given that my book largely consists of mocking (i.e. “stereotyping”) pernicious (i.e. “negative”) religious (i.e. “religious”) beliefs and practices.

(It’s somewhat lacking in racial stereotyping, although I’ll probably make up for that with my next book, a novelization of the “Tom and Jerry” cartoons written from the perspective of Mammy Two Shoes.)

I’m not saying that Obama is doing this solely to get revenge on me for not voting for him (damn you, Gloria La Riva, and your seductive campaign promises!), but you can’t prove that he’s not.

Of course, around these parts every day is Blasphemy Day, so today we’re actually focused on celebrating the anniversary of when a thetan was reborn as Jenna Elfman.

Nonetheless, we like to think that we have some expertise in things blasphemous. In that spirit [ha!], here are some celebratory tips:

• participate in the CFI’s contest to come up with the best 20-word-or-less blasphemy. I am unable to write succinctly enough to participate; therefore, you are welcome to my idea of rhyming “Medina” and “vagina.” If you are less strict about your rhymes, “Jesus” and “penis” could work too. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

  There’s also some sort of essay contest for college students, which I am unfortunately too old to enter. Based on my hazy recollections of college, I’m pretty sure a good strategy would involve writing about Ayn Rand.

• give gift copies of Your Religion Is False, the Official Book of Blasphemy Day. (Note: not actually associated with Blasphemy Day.)
• using the internet (or any other computer network), download your favorite slashfic (I myself am partial to Dumbledore/Snape pairings), recast it into a first-person narrative, and “confess” it to a priest.
• create some B.C. cartoons featuring Mohammed. This is doubly blasphemous! Also, as they are “B.C.” cartoons, there’s no need to make them funny. Perhaps Mohammed could be climbing a mountain to ask a question of some wise ascetic, like “oh, great guru, at what age should I deflower my child bride?” The guru could then come back with a pithy retort, which you can write yourself. I’m not going to do all your work for you!
• aerosol cheese + Most Precious Body of Christ = yummy! (Also, fruit + sugar + Blood of Christ makes for a refreshing, linguistically-authentic sangria.)
• rent a hot dog cart and set up shop right outside a Hindu temple. Offer special prices on the “100% all-beef Brahmin Dog.” As there might be Buddhists hanging around, you should also stiff your customers and use the “change comes from within” joke.
• make “Jesus is coming, so” jokes on Twitter. Suggested punch lines include “look busy,” “close your eyes and open your mouth,” “grab a towel,” “tell the cameraman to zoom in on her face,” and “don’t be surprised if you feel a burning sensation. That’s normal. Totally normal. We promise. Mention this to anyone and you’re dead!”

Above all, make sure to have fun!

Ever since 2006, when Muslims worldwide rioted over newspaper cartoons picturing the prophet Muhammad, Western countries, too, have been prosecuting more individuals for criticizing religion. The “Free World,” it appears, may be losing faith in free speech.

We can probably thank Tom Cruise for this one:

British citizens can be arrested and prosecuted under the 2006 Racial and Religious Hatred Act, which makes it a crime to “abuse” religion. In 2008, a 15-year-old boy was arrested for holding up a sign reading “Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult” outside the organization’s London headquarters. Earlier this year, the British police issued a public warning that insulting Scientology would now be treated as a crime.

But more often it’s the Muslims:

Under an Austrian law criminalizing “degradation of religious doctrines,” the 51-year-old politician was sentenced in January to a fine of 24,000 euros ($31,000) and a three-month suspended prison term.

And also the Muslims:

In May 2008, Dutch prosecutors arrested cartoonist Gregorius Nekschot for insulting Christians and Muslims with a cartoon that caricatured a Christian fundamentalist and a Muslim fundamentalist as zombies who meet at an anti-gay rally and want to marry.

And occasionally it’s the Muslims:

And in India, authorities arrested the editor and publisher of the newspaper the Statesman for running an article by British journalist Johann Hari in which he wrote, “I don’t respect the idea that we should follow a ‘Prophet’ who at the age of 53 had sex with a 9-year-old girl, and ordered the murder of whole villages of Jews because they wouldn’t follow him.” In India, it is a crime to “outrage religious feelings.”

If there is an upside to all this, it’s that maybe I’ll get to meet Brigitte Bardot.