Today’s example is Beliefnet’s “Crashing God’s State Dinner,” which uses the antics of the party-crashing Salahis to reinforce standard dogma about Jesus:

Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t have such boundaries around him. The Bible says that God has an open air policy in the “Oval Office” of heaven. Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak. We can come to God in prayer like party crashers approaching God as if we’re “old buddies.”

As a public service to any religion writers who might read my blog, here are some equally topical column suggestions:

Hacking into God’s Climate Data Server:

Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t try to subvert the peer review process.

A 31-Month Affair With God’s Cocktail Waitress:

The Bible says that God has an “open bedroom” policy in the “cocktail lounge” of heaven.

Obama to Send 30,000 More Troops to God’s Afghanistan:

Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak.

Meredith Baxter, Mom on “Family Ties,” is God’s Lesbian:

We can come to God in prayer like former sitcom stars approaching God as if we’re “old lesbians.”

Hopefully this advice is useful and can help a few religion columnists survive the next round or two of layoffs.

No, responsible people are stuck speculating about what’s going to happen to him now. Responsible people like President Obama:

It may be hard to comprehend the twisted logic that led to this tragedy. But this much we do know: no faith justifies these murderous and craven acts; no just and loving God looks upon them with favor. And for what he has done, we know that the killer will be met with justice—in this world, and the next.

You might expect that I’d be disapproving when the President starts confidently asserting what’s going to happen in “the next” world. But you’d be wrong. In fact, I quickly realized that “Next-World Justice” is the key to otherwise-intractable political reforms.

For instance, I feel pretty confident that in a generation or two, assuming we haven’t gone extinct, that we’ll look back on the current-day practice of imprisoning users and sellers of recreational drugs as some sort of medieval barbarism.

However, my “let’s legalize drugs, so that people don’t have to be locked behind bars for engaging in the same recreational activities you did” letters to the White House have not managed to elicit a response. (Unless you count the autographed picture of Bo, which I don’t.)

But my new approach (“Drug users will suffer enough in the next world, so can’t we leave them alone in this one?”) seems like it has a much better chance of working, as it’s worded in Obama’s own language.

For my next act, I’ll try to convince the CPSC that people who sell pre-1985 children’s books will get their just deserts in the next world too!

OK, maybe not all over the world. For some reason the Muslim countries still aren’t on board:

In predominantly Muslim nations, widespread concerns about American policy and American power linger, and while Obama is certainly viewed more favorably than his predecessor, his popularity has translated into only modest improvements in America’s overall image, and in some cases, no change at all.

This is probably just a temporary setback, though. Because Obama totally has a plan to win Muslim friends. All we need to do is help them push for anti-blasphemy laws!

While attracting surprisingly little attention, the Obama administration supported the effort of largely Muslim nations in the U.N. Human Rights Council to recognize exceptions to free speech for any “negative racial and religious stereotyping.” [...] It is viewed as a transparent bid to appeal to the “Muslim street” and our Arab allies, with the administration seeking greater coexistence through the curtailment of objectionable speech.

Now, I’m hardly a disinterested party, given that my book largely consists of mocking (i.e. “stereotyping”) pernicious (i.e. “negative”) religious (i.e. “religious”) beliefs and practices.

(It’s somewhat lacking in racial stereotyping, although I’ll probably make up for that with my next book, a novelization of the “Tom and Jerry” cartoons written from the perspective of Mammy Two Shoes.)

I’m not saying that Obama is doing this solely to get revenge on me for not voting for him (damn you, Gloria La Riva, and your seductive campaign promises!), but you can’t prove that he’s not.

He calls attention to the following three teachings:

(1) “Sell the milk and honey”

In other words, no matter how bleak things look, remind everyone that you were promised by a disembodied voice speaking to you from a burning-but-not-being-consumed bush that things will eventually (say, in 40 years) be better.

(I’m pretty sure that Obama is already doing this.)

(2) “Remember the Nile”

If you’ll recall, as part of the first plague Moses told his brother to raise his staff and turn the water in the Nile River into blood. However, the Pharaoh’s sorcerers were also able to turn the river into blood.

I think the river of blood is some sort of reference to Afghanistan. However, this teaching is probably too oblique to be useful.

(3) “The one on Sinai takes the heat”

Basically, Moses also had to deal with accusations of being a secret Muslim, of lacking a birth certificate, of being a protege of Bill Ayers, of attending a racist church, and of having a [holy-]ghostwritten autobiography.

Did he react by getting angry, breaking his stone tablets, forcing people to drink gold-ash water, demanding that people take swords and kill their brothers and friends and neighbors, and calling down a plague on the survivors?

Well, I suppose he did.

(But I’m pretty sure that Obama is already doing this, too.)

I’m not sure why Feiler stopped at three, though. I can think of lots more relevant Moses-lessons:

• if you kill somebody, make sure to bury the body in the sand and hope no one squeals
• before diving into politics, practice turning your rod into a serpent (I think this might be a Bill Clinton reference) and inflicting and curing leprosy. You know, just in case.
• promise everyone a free lunch
• if people ever doubt the wisdom of one of your military adventures, make them wander in the desert for 40 years as punishment
• if anyone questions your authority, get the earth to swallow them and their families and all their possessions
• make a bronze snake on a pole, so that people who get bitten by poisonous snakes can look at it and be cured
• whatever you do, don’t hit a rock with a stick!

Move over, David Axelrod!

A coalition of Christian, Jewish and Muslim leaders has launched a national campaign for health care reform, calling it a “fundamental religious issue,” in hopes of countering the vocal opposition exhibited at recent town hall meetings.

How is it a “fundamental religious issue”? Well, if he’d had health insurance, then Jesus might not have died on the cross. Similarly, Khadijah may have received better end-of-life treatment, which could have averted the Year of Sorrow. And if profit-seeking insurance-company bureaucrats hadn’t considered Abraham’s foreskin a “pre-existing condition,” he wouldn’t have had to circumcise himself.

The Muslims seem to be moving first, offering a proposal for a new dental plan:

The residents say anyone seen with a silver or gold tooth is taken to a masked man who then rips them out with pincers or his hands. The Shabab says gold and silver teeth are used for fashion and beauty, which is against strict interpretations of Islam, residents said.

But I’m sure the Jews and Christians have lots of good ideas too!

Kids these days are a little pickier, it turns out, and some Notre Dame seniors are skipping their graduation on account of graduation speaker Barack Obama.

Are they upset that he opposes gay marriage? That he puts Dijon mustard on his burgers? That he’s stacking the USDOJ with shills for the recording industry? That he’s making fun of those of us who think drugs should be legalized?

No, they don’t like that he’s pro-abortion. I guess this shouldn’t be too surprising, as being weird about sex is a pretty intrinsic part of Catholicism. This is, of course, described in the book:

The Catholic Church has extreme views on sex, arguing that it is permissible only between married couples, and only for the purposes of procreation and (occasionally) revenge. Accordingly, Catholics are prohibited from using condoms (even in Swaziland), from getting lap dances or table dances (even at The Pink Pussycat), from commissioning Mother-Teresa-simulacrum RealDolls, and from mentally undressing priests.

In addition, Catholics are adamantly opposed to abortion, even in the case of tentacle rape, arguing that life begins at the instant of conception, and that an eight-cell, half-tentacle zygote has just the same “right to life” as you do. (If you point out that some huge proportion of conceptions end in spontaneous abortion, Catholics will usually either blame this on Satan, argue that abortion is actually acceptable “when god does it,” or pretend that they only understand Latin.)

In any event, I am looking forward to President Obama’s speech. I’m kind of hoping that he’ll offer to pay my mortgage.

I know what you’re thinking: shouldn’t National Day of Prayer be one of my least favorite holidays?

Well, some of you may be too young to remember this, but it used to be the case that Jews prayed three times every day, Muslims prayed five times every day, and Christians prayed pretty much continuously. Then it became only once a day, then only once a week, then only once a month, and then only on major holidays like Christmas and Yom Kippur and Eid ul-Fitr and Earth Day.

That we find ourselves in a country where prayer has been relegated to a once-a-year event is a huge victory for reason. How can you not celebrate?

–

Now, every year the NDP has a theme. Past themes have included “One Nation, Under God,” “Prayer! America’s Strength and Shield,” and “We Got To Pray Just to Make it Today.”

This year’s theme is “Prayer … America’s Hope.”

Although my research skills are typically impeccable, I have been unable to figure out what the full theme was before they abbreviated it. I suspect it was one of the following:

• Prayer Is Not America’s Hope
• Prayer Never Helped Hope Williams Brady, Who Was America’s Hope
• Prayer Couldn’t Bring Forgiveness to Bill Clinton, Who Was Born in America’s Hope
• Prayer is America’s Dope, which is incompatible with America’s Hope
• Prayer is Not a Good Strategy in International Sailing Events, Which Are Typically Won by Well-trained Crews Sailing Ships with Names Like Stars & Stripes, Old Glory, 2 Legit 2 Quit, Captains Courageous, U Can’t Touch This, and America’s Hope

Apparently there is also some sort of controversy on account of President Obama not inviting a bunch of evangelical nuts to pray with him.

The following criticism is pretty typical:

I feel sorry for everyone who does not know the love and hope of Christ during these hard times, especially politicians who trust in their own reputations, political influence, strength, and riches. One day, all will give account to the Living God, one day every knee shall bow, and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, (Philippians 2:10-11). That includes but is not limited to: President Barak [sic] Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, Arlen Specter, etc.

However, Obama has also received praise from those who argue that he has more important things to be working on, like nationalizing the auto industry, shutting down small toymakers, and proposing tiny budget cuts that he knows Congress will end up rejecting.

In any case, that won’t stop me from celebrating. Happy Prayer Day!

Submitted for your approval, here are my top ten Obama faith moments:

10. Healed a leper at town hall meeting in Berea, Ohio.
9. Drove evil spirits out of Lincoln Bedroom.
8. Using the tax dollars of only a few wealthy Americans, miraculous transferred large sums of money to his cronies at AIG.
7. Cursed John McCain, who withered. (Although he was pretty withered to start with.)
6. Cured a paralytic by restoring federal funding of stem cell research.
5. Descended into hell .
4. Arranged to feed (and make mortgage payments for) the multitude.
3. Calmed the storm in the stock market.
2. Miraculous conversion of Arlen Specter.
1. Raised Larry Summers from the dead.

Did I forget any?