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Mormons, in case you didn’t read the pamphlets at the latest Glenn Beck rally, like to cast magic spells on you after you die. And not the good kind of magic spells, like the ones that use horcruxes to bring you back to life in a creepy noseless body. No, their spells are intended to turn you posthumously Mormon, at which point, um, well, nothing, I guess. If you weren’t a Mormon when you were alive, then presumably you don’t believe in Mormonism, and so probably also you don’t believe that Mormon magic spells actually do anything, in which case it’s hard to see why you’d care.

Nonetheless, a group representing Holocaust victims found the practice utterly objectionable, arguing, um, well, … ? OK, I’m not really sure what their argument was, although I imagine it involved the Holocaust somehow, and maybe magic or Mormonism or golden plates or plural marriage or something. Anyway, the upshot is that about 15 years ago the Mormons agreed not to cast any more spells on Holocaust victims, except (of course) for those with living Mormon descendants, since, um, err, well, I’m not sure why that makes a difference, but just accept that it does.

Anyway, “database monitoring” by the NSA revealed that the Mormons were in fact continuing to cast magic spells on Holocaust victims, but (luckily) a crack team of magicians and database engineers have fixed the problem:

The Mormon church says it has changed its genealogical database to better prevent the names of Jews [sic] Holocaust victims from being submitted for posthumous baptism by proxy.

In a joint statement issued Wednesday, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a coalition of Jewish leaders said a new computer system and policy changes related to the practice should resolve a years long disagreement over the baptisms.

Finally, the Holocaust victims can, um, something?


11 Responses to “Who Gets to Cast Magic Spells on You After You Die?”

  1. Ryan says:

    So these unsolicited bulk baptisms they’re relaying through proxies… the contact list is obviously not opt-in confirmed, but do the baptisms at least have an unsubscribe link? If not, I think we’ve got a pretty clear violation of CAN-SPAM here.

  2. Bambam says:

    Excellent. Messing with dead people. Because mormons aren’t already creepy and zombie-like.

    Actually, i’ll cut them a deal. If the magic underwear undertakers can raise a zombie missionary, i’ll convert (if only to prevent my brains from being eaten).

  3. The Mormon says:

    Just to clarify, the baptisms are performed in proxy but we don’t believe them to be binding unless the person who they’re performed for accepts. So we’re not forcing anyone to be a Mormon, just giving them the opportunity to have the baptism done for them if they didn’t have the opportunity to do so while they were living. I understand the assumptions I have here about them existing afterwards and such, but wanted to give a non insulting view of the doctrine and what it actually is. So Ryan yes there is an unsubscribe option.

  4. haha says:

    lmao @ Ryan, that was fucking perfect

  5. haha says:

    The Mormon – Just to clarify, the baptisms are performed in proxy but we don’t believe them to be binding unless the person who they’re performed for accepts.

    Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Voodoo only worls if u beLIEve :-)

  6. haha says:

    and yes i know i’m sooooo last year

  7. tutaj says:

    Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be on the web the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about worries that they just do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  8. Jason says:

    Thank You Jesus! No, thank you God for giving us Jesus. Wait, Thank you Jesus for being God! Anyway, what a masterful plan you have created. I am so thankful you finally revealed your plan to Joey Smith. Where would I be without his amazing sacrifice. Please sign me up now because I don’t want to run the risk of someone fucking up my name when I am dead. I am looking forward to the special offer of the all you can eat cotton candy buffet. I am so excited to have finally been shown the light. Praise the name of Brigham! PS: Can I wait until next year to start paying my membership dues of 10%? Things are a bit slow right now.

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  10. kim says:

    Am Kim, an Australian Citizen. I am sharing my testimony here to let the people out there know about a man that has really helped me get back my lost relationship back and now i so in love.. my thanks goes to High Priest Ozigidi, he is the realest spell caster i have met and he is so true with his words and dealings, I sincerely thank you so much for this wonders you have done for me. contact Lord Ozigidi for your long awaited answers via his email.. highpriestozigididon@gmail.com. he is so true.

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