Mormons, in case you didn’t read the pamphlets at the latest Glenn Beck rally, like to cast magic spells on you after you die. And not the good kind of magic spells, like the ones that use horcruxes to bring you back to life in a creepy noseless body. No, their spells are intended to turn you posthumously Mormon, at which point, um, well, nothing, I guess. If you weren’t a Mormon when you were alive, then presumably you don’t believe in Mormonism, and so probably also you don’t believe that Mormon magic spells actually do anything, in which case it’s hard to see why you’d care.
Nonetheless, a group representing Holocaust victims found the practice utterly objectionable, arguing, um, well, … ? OK, I’m not really sure what their argument was, although I imagine it involved the Holocaust somehow, and maybe magic or Mormonism or golden plates or plural marriage or something. Anyway, the upshot is that about 15 years ago the Mormons agreed not to cast any more spells on Holocaust victims, except (of course) for those with living Mormon descendants, since, um, err, well, I’m not sure why that makes a difference, but just accept that it does.
Anyway, “database monitoring” by the NSA revealed that the Mormons were in fact continuing to cast magic spells on Holocaust victims, but (luckily) a crack team of magicians and database engineers have fixed the problem:
The Mormon church says it has changed its genealogical database to better prevent the names of Jews [sic] Holocaust victims from being submitted for posthumous baptism by proxy.
In a joint statement issued Wednesday, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a coalition of Jewish leaders said a new computer system and policy changes related to the practice should resolve a years long disagreement over the baptisms.
Finally, the Holocaust victims can, um, something?