Before leaving on summer vacation to check out the new Harry Potter theme park, the Pope gave us a teaser of his autumn plans:
Pope Benedict XVI is creating a new Vatican office to fight secularization and “re-evangelize” the West — a tacit acknowledgment that his attempts to reinvigorate Christianity in Europe haven’t succeeded and need a new boost.
I like to think that I know a little something about “secularism.” In that spirit, I offer up 10
commandments suggestions to help the Pope with his, um, crusade:
10. Create colorful infographics showing that more children are molested by wicked (presumably secular) step-parents than by priests. (If anyone complains that the priests would look worse per capita, excommunicate him.)
8. Highlight how postponing retiree benefits until after death has allowed the Vatican to escape the fiscal woes plaguing its European peers.
7. Contrast between Papal support of gun control and “secular” American love of firearms ought to appeal to gun-hating weenies.
6. Start own MMA league (e.g. “CatholicForce”) and pay whatever it takes to get Brock Lesnar to join.
5. Sponsor a Judd Apatow movie starring Will Ferrell as a wacky priest, or a Michael Bay movie about robots that turn into priests. Or both!
4. Somehow convince Lady Gaga to use Catholic imagery in one of her videos.
3. Announce a ban on Your Religion Is False. (It could really help with sales!)
2. Reverse the Church’s position on masturbation. (That doesn’t just mean “use the other hand,” although I guess it could.)
1. Abandon mysticism and superstition, embrace science and reason.
They’re yours to use if you want them!