If you’re a conoisseur of religious propaganda like I am, you quickly notice certain tropes. One of my favorites is the “insert god into non-god-related current event as tortured theological metaphor” trick, which pops up all the time.
Today’s example is Beliefnet’s “Crashing God’s State Dinner,” which uses the antics of the party-crashing Salahis to reinforce standard dogma about Jesus:
Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t have such boundaries around him. The Bible says that God has an open air policy in the “Oval Office” of heaven. Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak. We can come to God in prayer like party crashers approaching God as if we’re “old buddies.”
As a public service to any religion writers who might read my blog, here are some equally topical column suggestions:
Hacking into God’s Climate Data Server:
Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t try to subvert the peer review process.
A 31-Month Affair With God’s Cocktail Waitress:
The Bible says that God has an “open bedroom” policy in the “cocktail lounge” of heaven.
Obama to Send 30,000 More Troops to God’s Afghanistan:
Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak.
Meredith Baxter, Mom on “Family Ties,” is God’s Lesbian:
We can come to God in prayer like former sitcom stars approaching God as if we’re “old lesbians.”
Hopefully this advice is useful and can help a few religion columnists survive the next round or two of layoffs.
What your original source is missing, even though they make reference to it, is the “Once we’re given a pass” (to heaven) bit. Once you have a pass to the state dinner, you can walk around as if you own the place, too. Its all those people who don’t have a pass yet, (like all living Xians) that have to stay out of the Big Guy’s presence.
They never metaphor they couldn’t mutilate and misuse.
Holding God’s oil tanker for ransom
The Bible says that God has an open boat policy in the “Gulf of Adan” of heaven. Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can board the ship like we own the thing. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the thing” so to speak. We can come to God in prayer like pirates approaching God as if we’re “old seadogs.”