I apologize for not having posted in so long, but I’ve been working on a top secret project with NASA.
You see, thanks to a combination of disingenuous Mayans, misunderstandings involving the Temples of Syrinx, the teachings of self-styled “gurus” like “the guy who killed all those people in a sweat lodge to unleash their ‘inner warriors,’” and John Cusack, people have started believing that the world is about to end. To disabuse them of this idea, we put together a Frequently Asked Questions about the “Mayan Prophecy of 2012.”
Unfortunately, an overzealous editor took some of the vim out of our answers (most of my drafts included the word “moron”), and the whole page now reads more like it was written by the government than by NASA. Nonetheless, this is a pretty awesome thing for NASA to be working on, and it certainly beats the hell out their standard fare of “adding a spare bedroom to the International Space Station” and “putting a chimp on the moon” and “forcing Howard Stern to move his show to satellite radio.”
Thanks to the success of this “2012″ project, I’m hopeful that we’ll soon get the go-ahead to use NASA to debunk other religious beliefs.
Mormonism:
Q: Is there a planet or star called Kolob that is closest to where god lives?
A: Kolob, like the rest of Mormonism, is a hoax perpetrated by Joseph Smith. There is no factual basis for these claims. If Kolob was real, astronomers would have been tracking it for at least the past decade, and it would be visible by now to the naked eye. Obviously, it does not exist.
Scientology:
Q: Was there an interplanetary nation called Helatrobus that existed around 40 trillion years ago, and that implanted the Gorilla Goals?
A: What are you, a moron?
Hellenism:
Q: Is there a “Counter-Earth” that was placed between our planet and the fiery hearth at the center of the universe in order to prevent us from seeing Zeus’s throne?
A: Yes, there are things in space that were put there in order to prevent us from seeing “Zeus’s throne.” Also, babies come from the cabbage patch, and if you put a tooth under your pillow a “fairy” will come at night and bring you a shiny new quarter!
Judeo-Christianity:
Q: How do our spaceships not crash into the solid vault of heaven?
A: If I say “magic,” will you promise not to ask any more questions?
And if these end up being popular, I’m sure I’ll get permission for my “Peace Corps FAQ on Islam” series.
NASA needs to make that web page LOUDER. Judicious use of the word “moron” might not be a bad thing, either. And your additional list could be tacked right on as well.
For the first time I’m wishing I’d signed up with slashdot, Digg, Fark, etc. Link to it everywhere.
Wait… you mean… John Cusack LIED TO US??!!