Happy Blasphemy Day!
Of course, around these parts every day is Blasphemy Day, so today we’re actually focused on celebrating the anniversary of when a thetan was reborn as Jenna Elfman.
Nonetheless, we like to think that we have some expertise in things blasphemous. In that spirit [ha!], here are some celebratory tips:
- participate in the CFI’s contest to come up with the best 20-word-or-less blasphemy. I am unable to write succinctly enough to participate; therefore, you are welcome to my idea of rhyming “Medina” and “vagina.” If you are less strict about your rhymes, “Jesus” and “penis” could work too. Let me know if you come up with anything good.
There’s also some sort of essay contest for college students, which I am unfortunately too old to enter. Based on my hazy recollections of college, I’m pretty sure a good strategy would involve writing about Ayn Rand.
- give gift copies of Your Religion Is False, the Official Book of Blasphemy Day. (Note: not actually associated with Blasphemy Day.)
- using the internet (or any other computer network), download your favorite slashfic (I myself am partial to Dumbledore/Snape pairings), recast it into a first-person narrative, and “confess” it to a priest.
- create some B.C. cartoons featuring Mohammed. This is doubly blasphemous! Also, as they are “B.C.” cartoons, there’s no need to make them funny. Perhaps Mohammed could be climbing a mountain to ask a question of some wise ascetic, like “oh, great guru, at what age should I deflower my child bride?” The guru could then come back with a pithy retort, which you can write yourself. I’m not going to do all your work for you!
- aerosol cheese + Most Precious Body of Christ = yummy! (Also, fruit + sugar + Blood of Christ makes for a refreshing, linguistically-authentic sangria.)
- rent a hot dog cart and set up shop right outside a Hindu temple. Offer special prices on the “100% all-beef Brahmin Dog.” As there might be Buddhists hanging around, you should also stiff your customers and use the “change comes from within” joke.
- make “Jesus is coming, so” jokes on Twitter. Suggested punch lines include “look busy,” “close your eyes and open your mouth,” “grab a towel,” “tell the cameraman to zoom in on her face,” and “don’t be surprised if you feel a burning sensation. That’s normal. Totally normal. We promise. Mention this to anyone and you’re dead!”
Above all, make sure to have fun!
I met this girl who was talking about “gluten-free jesus”. apparently her priest got her gluten free wafers for communion. I don’t really think that is what jesus had in mind.
“GOD HATES COELIACS!”
Re: The hot dog cart: Ask the Buddhists if they want you to make them one with everything. If they say yes, take their money and tell them “The wiener will arrive when bun is ready.” If they complain, tell them “Life is suffering.”