Kateri Tekakwitha, also known as “Lily of the Mohawks,” “Genevieve of New France,” and “The Frigid Midget,” is on the short list for sainthood after having returned from the grave to perform a top-secret miracle:
Just what the recent miracle is that’s been attributed to the intercession or divine intervention of Kateri Tekakwitha, known as the Lily of the Mohawks, remains a closely guarded secret.
You’ve probably never heard of Tekawitha, whose when-alive hobbies included virginity, being really short, starving herself, and lying on a bed of thorns.
Nonetheless, she must be pretty popular within the church, as they proactively assigned her a miracle finder:
Evidence of the miracle — which took two years to compile — was sent to Rome last month in a diplomatic pouch through the Vatican embassy in Washington, D.C., said Monsignor Paul Lenz, the church official who was charged with finding a miracle that could qualify Kateri for sainthood.
Out of curiosity, I researched the qualifications to become a miracle finder:
Position Description:
The Miracle Finder guides and manages the overall miracle location process.
The Miracle Finder is responsible for all or part of these areas:
- Ignoring science.
- Devising supernatural explanations for natural events.
- Ignoring science.
- Superstition.
- Burning candles with pictures of saints and Spanish-language prayers on the sides.
- Finding miracles.
- Ignoring science.
- Some light cleaning.
Education and Experience:
- Maximum of a Bachelor’s degree or equivalent in Theology, Education, Human Resources, or some other non-scientific field.
- Demonstrated expertise in ignoring laws of statistics and probability.
- Accomplished Miracle Finder (AMF) certification preferred, not required.
- Credulous nature a MUST.
Compensation:
Depends on miracles.
