Your Religion Is False

German soccer club “Schalke 04” has come under fire from local Muslims upset that its club song “Blau und Weiß, wie lieb ich dich” (“Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors”) contains the lyric “Muhammad Was a Prophet Who Knows Nothing About Football.”

You might think that the German Muslims would be happy that a bunch of non-Muslim hooligans accepted Muhammad as a “prophet.” But no, instead they focused on the part of the song maligning his ball skills.

Now, scripture makes clear that Muhammad knew plenty about running, wrestling, boxing, archery, and courting.

However, as you can check with your favorite Quranic search tool (I myself am partial to “Qoogle”), there are no mentions of “soccer,” “football,” “corner kick,” “goalie,” “Pele,” “Cruyff Turn,” “prawn sandwich brigade,” “rainbow kick,” “midfield maestro,” or “keepie uppie.”

You might think that’s the end of the story. But you’d be neglecting Muhammad’s demonstrated interest in the Group of Death, as well as his expertise in pitch invasions.

Furthermore, in order to decide that nutmeg was haraam, he would have had to be pretty familiar with the game’s nuances. Therefore, we can reasonably conclude that Muhammad knew plenty about football.

Hopefully our Schalkebekannten will issue some sort of lyrical correction, perhaps “Muhammed bent it way before Beckham,” or “Muhammed may have been a epileptic, but he knows plenty about football,” or “Even though Muhammad predated the first known reference to football by a couple of centuries, he was nonetheless an expert on its rules and strategies.”

Next time: we analyze “Moses Was a Prophet Who Couldn’t Dunk a Basketball.”

Tags: basketball, bend it like beckham, football, group of death, haraam, islam, keepie uppie, mohammed, moses, muhammad, nutmeg, pele, pitch invasions, prawn sandwich brigade, schalke, schalke 04, soccer, sports