After Pope Benedict’s fall in the shower last week, there was one question that was on everyone’s mind:
WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL?
What’s the point of being Pope if your guardian angel isn’t protecting you from slippery floors? I mean, sure, there’s page boys lining up to sodomize you, and you might get to have a posthumous show trial, and there’s opportunity to fornicate with your father’s concubine, and if you get sick of the job you can always sell it to your godfather.
But you can do pretty much all those things simply by getting elected to Congress. Whereas the guardian angel only comes with the papacy. And the guardian angel totally dropped the ball on this one.
However, true to his heritage, Benedict offers up the Nuremberg Defense on the angel’s behalf:
Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.
That’s dangerous territory, of course. I feel an obligation to tell Benedict that if he accuses Yahweh of ordering the broken wrist without proper evidence, he’ll be subject to Court-Martial for professional misconduct. And that’s something that’ll be stapled to every job application he ever fills out.
However, I have an idea. We just need to get Yahweh on the stand. And then it would go a little something like this:
BENEDICT
Yahweh! Did you order the broken wrist?!!
GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT
You don’t have to answer that question!
GOD THE FATHER
I’ll answer the question. You want answers?
BENEDICT
I think I’m entitled to them.
GOD THE FATHER
You want answers?!
BENEDICT
I want the truth!
GOD THE FATHER
You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has a firmament, and that firmament has to be guarded by angels with wings. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Benedict? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for your wrist, and you curse the Heavens. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that your broken wrist, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that firmament — you need me on that firmament.
We use words like “faith,” “obesiance,” “BioLogos.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.
I would rather that you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a prayer book and stand the post. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!
BENEDICT
Did you order the broken wrist?
GOD THE FATHER
I did the job I was –
BENEDICT
— Did you order the broken wrist?!
GOD THE FATHER
You’re me damn right I did!!!
GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT
Guard the prisoner.
GOD THE FATHER
I’m being charged with a crime?
I’m gonna tear your eyes right outta your head and piss in your dead skull. You fucked with the wrong deity.
All you did was weaken a religion today, Benedict. That’s all you did. You put people in danger. Sweet dreams, son.
BENEDICT
Don’t call me son.
(beat)
Jesus is your son. I’m a pope, and the head of the Vatican City. And you’re under arrest, you son of a bitch.
FADE OUT
Re: the page boy incident… First of all, W!T!F! Second of all, I have to wonder exactly what is meant by “sodomized by”… Does that mean the page boy was giving it to him up the butt? Or does that mean the page boy was blowing him? I feel like the latter makes more sense, but to each his holiness’s own, I guess…
I don’t have a good answer to your question Joel “where the hell was his guardian angel”, but I did find this gem recently on ‘hell’:
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A.”