People seem very excited about an upcoming Turkish game show, in which a Priest, an Imam, a Rabbi, and a Monk attempt to convert 10 atheists to their religions each episode. (If this reminds you of the religious joke to end all religious jokes, you are not alone.)
There are two things that are stopping me from joining the excitement. First, I don’t speak Turkish. And second, the show sounds terribly boring. Trying to sell people on a religion? How is that any different from the church shows that flood the airwaves every Sunday morning, the “Muslim Power Hour” that comes on public access each Thursday morning, or “Seinfeld”?
To that end, religious programmers, I offer you some alternative religious game show suggestions:
THE RELIGIOUS MATCH GAME
“Dumb David was so dumb–”
“HOW DUMB WAS HE?”
“He was so dumb, that when he became king of the Jews, instead of collecting 100 foreskins, he collected 100 ________.”
RELIGIOUS JEOPARDY
Starting with an answer (e.g. “God exists”), you have to make up an appropriate question (e.g. “What’s something I can believe in even though there’s no evidence for it?”).
WHEEL OF RELIGIOUS FORTUNE
“Remember, the category is FACT. And there’s only one letter left: ‘_OUR RELIGION IS FALSE’. Do you want to solve the puzzle?”
“No, I’ll guess a letter. Is there a ‘P’?”
WHO WANTS TO BE A RELIGIOUS MILLIONAIRE
Players compete to see who can bilk the most money out of credulous believers. Popular tactics include overpriced devotional text-message services, suicide threats, and faith healing.
IS YOUR RELIGION SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER
We pit your religious scriptures against grade-school students to see who can correctly answer questions like “Is the earth 6000 years old?”
LET’S MAKE A RELIGIOUS DEAL
If you believe in Jesus, and you’re right, then you get an eternity in heaven plus what’s inside this box, but if you don’t believe in Jesus, and you’re wrong, you’ll get what’s behind door #3 (which is a goat).
RELIGIOUS FAMILY FEUD
“Introducing the Mohammed Family! Khadijah, Sawda, Aisha, Hafsa, Zaynab K., Umm Salama, Raihanah, Zaynab J., Juwayriya, Ramlah, Safiyya, Barra, and Maria, ready for action!”
WIN BEN STEIN’S CREATIONISM
Ben Stein asks you questions about evolutionary biology, and whenever you get one right he mocks you and acts as if you’re attacking him.
RELIGIOUS PRICE IS RIGHT
“And the next item up for bid is an indulgence! Manufactured by the Roman Catholic Church, it’s packed with some of the merit acquired by Jesus’s sacrifice. Get rid of those pesky temporal consequences, only with a genuine indulgence!
The one of you who bids closest to the retail value of that indulgence without going over has got some sin in your future! Now, what am I bid?”
Does this enterprise in any way insult Turkey’s Turkishness (per Article 301…the Turkish Penal Code)? In any event, a contestant would be crazy not to opt for Judaism:
free trip to Jerusalem
sex on Shabbat
bialys and rugelach
Jackie Mason shows
sex on Shabbat…
UNLESS you are seriously able to delay gratification, in which case the 72 virgins may be the way to go.