Your Religion Is False

I’m sure you’ve heard the saga of Governor Mark Sanford, whose adulterous Argentinian tryst briefly dominated headlines last week until displaced by the untimely death of OxiClean pitchman Billy Mays.

But now, with every TV network seemingly devoted to showing Hercules Hook ads and Vince Offer interviews, you might have missed the news that Sanford has begun comparing himself to the biblical King David:

“And what I find interesting is the story of David and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very, very significant ways but then picked up the pieces and then built from there.”

And it’s true there are some obvious similarities between the two:

• both temporarily worked as shepherds
• both rose to fame by using a harp to dispel evil spirits
• both members of secretive religious groups
• both slew 9-foot-tall giants

However, there are a number of parts of the David story that Sanford has yet to fulfill. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in eagerly looking forward to the following:

• sexual relationship with son of political patron
• conquering Syria and Jordan (although I’m not looking forward to the mass exterminations)
• foreskin collection
• judicious use of concubines
• eventual burial in eponymous city

Unless Bobby Jindal can pull another exorcism out of his hat, I think I know who I’m pulling for in 2012.

Tags: billy mays, bobby jindal, concubines, exorcism, foreskins, jordan, king david, mark sanford, oxiclean, politics, syria, the family, vince offer