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Back when I attended Vacation Bible Camp (and won the Color War “homiletics” competition for my team three summers in a row) we used to think of “miracles” as things like “Sea Mysteriously Parts” and “Convicted Criminal Rises From Dead to Seek Revenge” and “Bread and Wine Magically Changes into Flesh and Blood Without Violating Cannibalism Taboos.”

But kids these days have debased the Queen’s English in a number of ways, like using nonsense words ending in “-izzle” and flambosting made-up terms like “hyphy” and abandoning all sorts of useful urination-related euphemisms, including “see a man about a horse,” “drain the lizard,” “squirt the dirt,” and “syphon the python.”

This same linguistic debauchery has happened to “miracle,” I fear. Nowadays it’s a “miracle” when the US Ice Hockey team beats the pants off of some commies. It’s a “miracle” when Mike (of + the Mechanics) gets his girlfriend back.

And, according to Randal Rauser, it’s a “miracle” when his friend dies of cancer:

The day that Paula died is, in the eyes of the world, a day for mourning and defeat. How different is the Christian story. Paula’s death was a miracle.

What an unorthodox sales pitch for Rauser’s god! While most people would regard Paula’s death as the natural (and sad) consequence of our current inability to cure cancer, Rauser shows us how to repurpose even the most horrific events into arguments for his theology. Although he was apparently too busy not mourning and not feeling “defeat” to give an example of an appropriate prayer for this situation, I have taken the liberty of helping him out:

Creator of the Universe, Puller of The Big Plug In the Sky, Great Eucharistic Euthanasiast, Exalted Cosmic Kevorkian, Divine Mercy Killer, You Who Put Us Out of the Misery That (In Your Infinite Wisdom) You Have Bestowed Upon Us, Murderous Imaginary Nut, Blessed be You! Way to kill!

And I’ll try to use this new, expansive definition of “miracle” next time something horrible happens to one of my loved ones. (“Remember that necrotizing fasciitis my cousin got? They amputated his arm! It’s a miracle!”)

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One Response to “Miracle Creep and the Cosmic Kevorkian”

  1. claudiu says:

    in my religion are many miracle and some of them have a physical part too.This part is not really important, or at least is not important for itself.
    there is one physical miracle which i have experienced and verified: the blessing of the water, I have seen the entire process, I took the water and that water is still clear and good to drink after more than 2 years, there are some other miracles with a obvious physical part you can see on Internet:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5Za9-uX4b8&feature=related (The miracle of the Snakes of the Theotokos which appear every year on the feast of the Dormition of the Theotokos on the Greek island Kephalonia), the holly light from Jerusalem, which happens every year at a certain date(“The miraculous appearance of the Holy Fire occurs every year on Holy Saturday in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in the Old City of Jerusalem. Holy Saturday is the day before Orthodox Pascha, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.”)(http://oode.wordpress.com/2009/04/14/miracleofholylight/), which is attested from at least 1000 years(recently some Russian scientists studied the event and the result is “absolute miracle”, they say:http://www.spc.rs/eng/Russian_physicist_first_register_electrical_discharges_during_descent_holy_fire), the reverse of the Jordan river, this can be experienced and can be seen by anybody who goes there (miracle takes place in the Holy River Jordan on the day before Epiphany Day, during the Blessing of the waters.)(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfmrqZwUjCQ) (it happens twice a year at precise moments), the cloud from the tabor mountain, also happening every year, there are also to be seen the holly relics of the saints, some saints have their body preserved entirely for centuries and even more (there are to many)(notice that their bodies were not artificially preserved, they were first buried and sometimes accidentally found after centuries)(“Holy relics are a clear anticipation of the transfigured body after universal resurrection. The very fact that the bodies of the saints are kept in a state of incorruptibility is a foretaste, an anticipation of their future incorruptibility after resurrection and after their full theosis, deification.”)(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bFKFrf0sHE&feature=PlayList&p=35882665C5368D97&index=1)
    the citations are from youtube because i don’t speak English too good, there are many videos showing those miracles and others, but the best way is to ask yourself what a miracle, is, why god would do miracles, to study them, to see what is a false miracle and a false one, and if you want to see and touch with your one hands and souls, to go and experience the miracles, like apostle Toma. Sorry for my English

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