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There are a lot of good reasons to dig up a corpse. Maybe you need the gold in his fillings. Maybe you’re trying to figure out whether former President Zachary Taylor was poisoned. Maybe you want to make a skull bong. Or maybe you just want to find out if Galileo’s vision problems might have affected some of his astronomical findings.

But you know what’s not a good reason to dig up a corpse? To baptize it into the Mormon church:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints confirmed Tuesday afternoon that someone improperly, posthumously baptized the late mother of President Obama into the Mormon faith.

So if you’re a Mormon, you can’t drink, you can’t have coffee, you can’t do drugs, you have to dress up in stupid clothes and wander around the world trying to sign up converts, you have pretend that stupid Mormon movies like Napoleon Dynamite aren’t moronic, you have to read terrible Mormon novels about sexless pedophile vampires, and you have to wear magical undergarments to calm the urges. AND YET YOU’RE ENCOURAGED TO DIG UP DEAD PEOPLE AND BAPTIZE THEM! WHERE IS THE QUALITY CONTROL?

Update:

It has been pointed out to me that Mormons do not actually dig up the dead to baptize them. In fact, they do not baptize them at all; they just gather together in one of their Mormon caves and splash water on each other and say the name of the dead person.

In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened, which a bunch of weirdos in a cave pouring water on each other and saying people’s names certainly isn’t.

You can appreciate my confusion. Thanks a lot, Jake Tapper.

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8 Responses to “Mormons, grave-robbing, and baptism”

  1. Devin says:

    “In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened…”

    That’s so cute that you still think those two things are related.

  2. Joel says:

    I’ve learned a valuable lesson today.

  3. kevvyd says:

    Do Mormons believe in a soul? If so, wouldn’t the metaphorical horse be out of the dear-departed gate before the “baptism”? I might be confused – keeping track of the stupid shit people believe ranks pretty far down on my list of things to do with my brain.

  4. Joel says:

    It’s quite simple, actually.

    After you die, you go to Spirit Prison, where you have to attend a series of lectured on the finer points of Mormon theology.

    (It’s possible you’ll also get Conjugal Spirit Visits with your multiple Spirit Wives, but the Mormons aren’t exactly forthcoming with this sort of information.)

    Once you repent (and are baptized by proxy), you get to enter “paradise” and wait around for Final Judgment, which I think might be a Steven Seagal movie.

  5. Greg says:

    It’s obvious that the story was newsworthy because it involved President Obama’s mother, not because of what some idiots in a cave did. So your defense that since it was news you assumed they were digging up corpses doesn’t make any sense.

    I’ve been a fan of yours since a few weeks ago when i ran into this site on another blog that i frequent. Really looking forward to the book. Very much hoping it doesn’t contain any more logic like this.

  6. Mike Keesey says:

    Was there anything actually Mormon about Napoleon Dynamite besides the fact that it was made by Mormons? Isn’t that kind of like calling Jaws a Jewish movie?

  7. Joel says:

    @Greg: Barack Obama’s mother is not in the book. The chapter about Mormonism mostly focuses on Orson Scott Card.

    @Mike: I consider it “a Mormon movie” because I didn’t think it was funny or clever, and I assumed that you had to be a Mormon to “get” it.

    Apparently there is some debate on the topic.

  8. Mike Keesey says:

    I know plenty of non-Mormons who love it, so that’s not a good criterion. (I myself thought it was all right.)

    Interesting discussion, though. It seems that the people who consider it a “Mormon movie” are viewing the term “Mormon” as referring to a culture more than as referring to a religion.

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