There are a lot of good reasons to dig up a corpse. Maybe you need the gold in his fillings. Maybe you’re trying to figure out whether former President Zachary Taylor was poisoned. Maybe you want to make a skull bong. Or maybe you just want to find out if Galileo’s vision problems might have affected some of his astronomical findings.
But you know what’s not a good reason to dig up a corpse? To baptize it into the Mormon church:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints confirmed Tuesday afternoon that someone improperly, posthumously baptized the late mother of President Obama into the Mormon faith.
So if you’re a Mormon, you can’t drink, you can’t have coffee, you can’t do drugs, you have to dress up in stupid clothes and wander around the world trying to sign up converts, you have pretend that stupid Mormon movies like Napoleon Dynamite aren’t moronic, you have to read terrible Mormon novels about sexless pedophile vampires, and you have to wear magical undergarments to calm the urges. AND YET YOU’RE ENCOURAGED TO DIG UP DEAD PEOPLE AND BAPTIZE THEM! WHERE IS THE QUALITY CONTROL?
It has been pointed out to me that Mormons do not actually dig up the dead to baptize them. In fact, they do not baptize them at all; they just gather together in one of their Mormon caves and splash water on each other and say the name of the dead person.
In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened, which a bunch of weirdos in a cave pouring water on each other and saying people’s names certainly isn’t.
You can appreciate my confusion. Thanks a lot, Jake Tapper.