You have probably been wondering why I have not written anything here recently. (At least, I hope you have been wondering, because otherwise it means you’ve forgotten all about me.) My publisher (that’s me) gave me (that’s me) an end-of-March deadline for getting the damn book finished, which means that every second I’m not at work or at the gym or at the grocery store or in court I’m trying to finish it.
This evening I was putting the finishing touches on the “Jokes about Golf-Playing Clergymen” chapter, which involved constructing the GREATEST RELIGIOUS JOKE OF ALL TIME. Since a joke is no good unless you share it, here it is:
A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest, a Protestant minister, a Reform rabbi, a Buddhist monk, a Wiccan coven leader, a Hellenist oracle, a Hindu priest, a Caodaist giáo tông, a Zoroastrian gabr, an African shaman, a Muslim imam, a Scientologist OT VII, a Cherokee chief, a Sikh guru, a Jain jina, a Falun Gong practitioner, a Sufi mystic, a Shinto kami, a Jedi knight, a Voodoo zombie, a Rasta ras, an Objectivist philosopher, a Mormon elder, a Level 18 cleric, a Pastafarian pirate, and an atheist are playing golf.
These clergymen are getting bogies and double bogies and triple bogies, but the guy playing in front of them keeps getting holes in one.
So the Catholic priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Pope?” And the Orthodox priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Patriarch of Constantinople?” And the minister says, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” And the rabbi says, “Who does that guy think he is, Moses?” And the monk says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Buddha?” And the coven leader says, “Who does that guy think he is, Harry Potter?” And the oracle says, “Who does that guy think he is, Achilles?” And the Hindu priest says, “Who does that guy think he is, Vishnu?” And the giáo tông says, “Who does that guy think he is, Cao Đài Tiên Ông Đại Bồ Tát Ma-ha-tát?” And the gabr says, “Who does that guy think he is, Zoroaster?” And the shaman says, “Who does that guy think he is, Tikoloshe?” And the imam says, “Who does that guy think he is, Mohammed?” And the OT VII says, “Who does that guy think he is, David Miscavige?” And the chief says, “Who does that guy think he is, Great Spirit?” And the guru says, “Who does that guy think he is, Nanak Dev?” And the jina says, “Who does that guy think he is, Shri Mahavir?” And the Gonger says, “Who does that guy think he is, Li Hongzhi?” And the mystic says, “Who does that guy think he is, Uwais al-Qarni?” And the kami says, “Who does that guy think he is, Amaterasu-omikami”? And the Jedi says, “Who does that guy think he is, the chosen one?” And the zombie says, “Who does that guy think he is, Marie Laveau?” And the ras says, “Who does that guy think he is, Haile Selassie?” And the Objectivist says, “Who does that guy think he is, Howard Roark?” And the elder says, “Who does that guy think he is, Brigham Young?” And the cleric says, “Who does that guy think he is, Garl Glittergold?” And the pirate says, “Who does that guy think he is, the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”
So the atheist says, “No, that’s Tiger Woods.”
You may laugh now.
I lol’d. audibly even . . .
1…2….3….. Oh !
Lol
This really is a rich seam a la the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman… Nice one…
Chuckle.
Objectivists are atheists…
[...] up with the idea for my book, again when I set up this blog, and a third time when I came up with The Greatest Religious Joke of All Time. And so I have lots of sympathy for the victims of nature (or of god, depending on whether you [...]
[...] my Ten Stupid Things Smart Christians Believe or my How to Teach Kids about God and Genocide or my Religious Joke to End all Religious Jokes is a bit beyond [...]
[...] a Monk attempt to convert 10 atheists to their religions each episode. (If this reminds you of the religious joke to end all religious jokes, you are [...]
The weird thing about this joke is that the part with “And the X said, ‘Who does that guy think he is, Y?’” actually kind of sounds like scripture…
“And this one guy begat this other guy. And that guy begat some other douche. And that douche begat some other pious dickwad. And that pious dickwad begat” etcetera.
Out of interest, how are these 27 people seeing these holes in one if they’re all playing a round together and getting bogies etc.?
There’s a different group of 27 playing right in front of Tiger, so he ends up playing at the same slow pace as the clergymen.
That was pretty funny. Good luck telling that one at the bar.
Wouldn’t the OT VII say “Who does he think he is, L Ron Hubbard”? I mean… you know. And the Jedi Knight would HAVE to give the shout out to Luke Skywalker.
I’m just saying.
He could have said L Ron Hubbard, if he wanted David Miscavige to kick his ass all over the Gold Base!
Luke Skywalker was too whiny to worship.
“Objectivists are atheists…”
Yes, as is required by Objectivism, the belief system, which means they are hardly objective themselves.
The only thing I got from this joke was that atheist are boring and can’t make (funny) jokes. I only say that because the comparisons are completely unrealistic(as religious figures aren’t notably good at golf), and the dialogue is just trite.
the only thing i learned from the above comment is that people with no sense of humor shouldnt judge jokes. yes, the dialogue is trite…..THATS THE POINT! everyone adheres to a belief that one certain being is superior to all others except the athiest who sees the truth. You see, if you operate under the presumption there is no god, everything makes sense, its only when you try and add a deity to that equation….you know what? never mind, its like showing a dog a card trick. “Blah” will simply never get “it”
““Objectivists are atheists…”
Yes, as is required by Objectivism, the belief system, which means they are hardly objective themselves.”
Objectivism is an economic and social philosophy not a religion and presents several rational arguments for it’s points, including all of world history, so yes it is quite objective.
i actually laughed out loud ;p
Guessed the end of the joke whilst reading. Good read though
Perhaps i just have ADD…. who wants to go ride bilkes…..
anyhow…. i was saying, the joke, such as it is, is a good 25 or so lines to long…. the payoff just isn’t worth the time it takes to go through a whole whack of religions… 3 maybe 4 examples would have gotten the point across, and those of us with less than stellar attention spans, can enjoy in the joke too. Repetition kills a joke, saying the same thing over and over again (ie who does he think he is…. X30). I know it kinda works for family guy…. sometimes…. just a thought or two… I do believe this joke would have been stellar with just a catholic bishop, a rabbi, and Wiccan Priestess (for example) and an atheist (golfers do travel in 4-somes not 30-somes) this isn’t the aristocrats so keep it brief. just my $0.02
I want that little piece of my life back
@Hugh Wish: So do I.
Ugh, what a waste of electrons.
I’m an atheist, and I get what you’re trying to do with the joke. It’s not working. Too long.
I too want my time back.
Please don’t call this “the greatest religious joke ever.” You embarrass yourself without even realizing it. Besides, calling a joke “the greatest” before you tell it sets up high expectations, which are then deflated, taking away from any funniness that might have been there.
Kind of like that search engine Cuil.com – they said it’s pronounced “cool” and immediately everyone thought, correctly, that it was NOT cool.
You might say the example of Cuil is different, because Cuil sucked as a search engine. Well, the example actually works, because your joke sucks as a joke.
OMFG I just realized you are doing the same thing with the book that you did with the joke. Calling it “the funniest ever” just because you think so. FAIL.
It’s great to see books poking holes in religion, but why set yourself up with such a big straw man from day one?
If you can point me to a funnier book on the topic, I’ll certainly reconsider my position.
@Bryan that’s what makes it the “greatest”! If it only had 3 examples, it would be just like every other religious joke out there.
@Hugh you’d only waste it anyway.
@Claire see my note to Hugh.
@Mark if a joke has to be funny for you to enjoy it, then check out Emo Philips’s funniest religious joke of all time.
lol,
and the atheist says,”Who does that guy think he is,dawkins?”
[...] *courtesy of yrif.org [...]
I’m not gonna lie, that joke was terrible.
Garl Glittergold? Really?
That sucked. Too long. Also, saying “you may laugh now” makes you look like a prick.
I thought the best religious joke was:
Billy Graham (or any other religious “leader”) dies and…. (Yes, nothing)
It’s a joke. A joke. A simple, slow, silly, lumbering joke… but a joke nonetheless. Is it the best joke ever? Hardly. The worst? Probably not. If you take it too seriously, you are part of the literalist problem. My issue with it was that it wasn’t funny. The best joke ever was told by Tom Hanks in “Catch Me If You Can”. To wit:
TH: “Knock, knock.”
Guy: “Who’s there?”
TH: “Go fuck yourselves.”
I never comment on blogs I stumbleupon…but this was just too awesome.
Good job. High five.
What about us Discordians?!
Who’s Tiger Woods?
Ok… Granted, the joke was funny and I laughed at the end. HOWEVER, you were incorrect. A Wiccan does not worship Harry Potter, nor is Harry Potter any kind of Wiccan leader… Harry Potter has absolutely nothing to do with Wicca, so I was lost immediately at that line. I thought that was extremely insulting, especially because you tried very hard to get everyone’s leader right except for the Wiccans. It’s not that difficult to figure out that Wiccans worship the Lord and Lady, you could have even inserted {insert deity} here and it would have worked. The Harry Potter pun was extremely uncalled for and dis-tasteful.
dude… too long. halfway through i had already figured it out: cut the religions by at least a third and it will be funny. also, most people, including myself, have not even heard of most cults that you listed.
People who take simple care-free jokes like this so seriously, and hold them up to be judged and critiqued seriously need to stay off the internet. No one cares. Seriously.
and the Mason said who does that guy think he is- lucifer?
That joke sucks. You waste so much time naming each and every leader, and then even more having each and every one of them name their respected being (or whatever). You wrote that joke so that you almost HAVE to skip 80% of it, and so that no one will ever be able to say it out loud. On top of that, the punchline was mildly funny.
You should have named one one or two mainline religious leaders, like a priest and a rabbi, initially, along with 3-4 of the weird ones. Then you would say “they were all there, every religion in the world sent a representative to play golf, it was a long game.” Later, when you go through your second oppressively long list, you should have named one mainline religion (one you hadn’t named before), like the imam, and then 3-4 weird ones, which you also hadn’t named earlier. Then to sum it up, write “They all mockingly likened him to their respective leaders. Until the atheist said “no, that’s Tiger Woods.”
You can shorten your joke down to the point that it will be readable and speakable. Oh, and it won’t sound like shit.
Are you guys just Atheists because its a trend now a days or you guys really did study everything the Universe has to offer?..Atheism belongs to same mindless hateful “groups” as these religious nutjobs.
Take for example Nanak,if he was alive today he would have not gone to a Sikh temple because it reeks of organized religion like all religions of the world.Nanak ran away from groups,he was a hippie and a philosopher in disguise.. i bet they all were (jesus,mohmd,buddha etc)eccentric nature lovers but later on some fat rich pricks learned to spread fear through religion because humans are stupid and vulnerable and they knew they can make a fat buck from people’s fear of the unknown.
This is my favorite religious joke:
Q: How do you stop a nun from going through a revolving door?
A: Stick a pitchfork in her head.
(Author unknown)
… That wasn’t very funny. All you did was list important figures from each belief and some were even incorrect. You dragged the joke on for way too long with a punchline even a diehard Christain could predict. I respectably sugjest not making a career out of this.
So the god that atheists worship is Tiger Woods? I don’t get it.
In all seriousness, that was the worst “joke” I’ve ever read.