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Tim Tebow, Amoebic Dysentery, and the Super Bowl

Jan 17th, 2010 by Joel

Another year, another apology.

You see, as part of my plan to get into the movie reviewing businesss, I saw Avatar 3-D. And, like thousands of other moviegoers, I developed a severe case of the Avatar Blues, partly out of the realization that male-pattern baldness was going to preclude me from ever hair-bonding with a ten-foot-tall blue version of Sigourney Weaver, and partly because when I went out and tried to sleep in a tree like the Na’vi I got totally bitten up by ants.

Luckily, a few weeks of Avatar fan fiction was enough to bring me out of my funk, at which point I was able to start reading the (non-Avatar-related) news again, where I was delighted to learn that Tim Tebow is going to star in a Super Bowl ad:

The former Florida quarterback and his mother will appear in a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl next month. The Christian group Focus on the Family says the Tebows will share a personal story centering on the theme “Celebrate Family, Celebrate Life.”

The word on the street (OK, on Twitter) is that the commercial is going to focus on Tebow’s anti-abortion views (and possibly also on his pro-amateur-circumcision views). However, when Focus on the Family is involved, you can never be sure what’s going to happen.

For instance, maybe the commercial will be about how to tell whether the heavy metal band your kids are listening to is dedicated to loving Christ (e.g. “Demon Hunter”) or loving the Devil (e.g. “Demon Seeker”). Maybe the commercial will explain what “scripture” can teach us about premarital sex. (“Nothing. Drink Bud Lite!”) Or maybe it will call attention to how the Super Bowl is so often an MTV-like expression of pure filth, especially when Peyton Manning is involved.

Probably, though, it will be about abortion. Back when she was pregnant with Timmy, Tebow’s mom came down with a vicious case of amoebic dysentery, and her doctors warned her that the drugs she was taking could cause the unborn Tim to develop an unorthodox throwing motion and slow release, and possibly be born with ugly Bible-referencing birthmarks below his eyes. Of course, she ignored their pro-abortion suggestions, and the rest is college football history.

I’m not sure if they’re written or filmed the commercial yet, but in case they haven’t, I suggest an It’s a Wonderful Life parody (with Tebow in the Jimmy Stewart role, naturally, and Lou Holtz as his guardian angel) that shows what would have happened if he’d never been born:

Or maybe we’re all wrong and he’ll be pitching pets.com. They’re still big, right?

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Politicians Everywhere ‘Mostly Accept’ Evolution!

Dec 28th, 2009 by Joel

I hate politics. The other people on my bus would probably be surprised to hear that, given how every morning they have to listen to me rant about how our weak-spined representatives can’t even stand up to the cosmetic surgery lobby, and every afternoon they have to listen to me rant about how Jane Hamsher is a traitor to the progressive cause. Nonetheless, I find it all terrifically dismaying.

For instance, today the Associated Press brings us the superficially-reassuring, damning-with-faint-praise news that the major-party candidates to be the next governor of Illinois “mostly accept evolution.” Well, that’s mostly great news for fans of science! At least until you dig into the details and find out what “mostly accept” comprises:

Adam Andrzejewski:

Yes. As a practicing Catholic, I believe that God created Darwin. Let others debate the details.

Is this what practicing Catholics believe? “On the 2,034,077th day, God created Darwin”? I’m also not sure whether “let others debate the details” is a good attitude to have in a leader. I’m learning toward yes.

Bill Brady:

I accept the theory of creation, as I was taught, and believe the world has continued to evolve since.

Well, if he was taught the theory of creation, it would be pretty unreasonable of us to expect him to re-evaluate it.

Kirk Dillard:

Science seems to support evolution but there is no doubt that I have seen the hand of God at work in my travels and everyday life.

Here we have the first yes but. Yes, science seems to support evolution, but those of us who are intimately acquanted with god’s hand know better!

Andy McKenna:

Yes, but I also believe that the process of evolution has been guided by the creative power of God.

“Yes, I believe in evolution, but also I don’t. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Dan Proft:

The current political class in Springfield make me question the veracity of natural selection. That aside, I do not believe there needs to be a divide between religious belief and the scientific method. … The evidence seems to me fairly clear that, as Pope John Paul II wrote, human beings have a ‘common ancestry of life’ from which we have evolved.

He’s making a joke, get it? See, among Illinois politicians, traits that are deleterious to survival and reproduction (e.g. Blagojevich hair) are actually becoming more prevalent over time! Is that not what he meant? OK, well, as long as he believes in keeping religion and science separate. He does, right?

Jim Ryan:

Evolution is a reasonable theory. Regardless of the extent of its truth, I believe that God was ultimately responsible for our creation and infused human beings with a soul.

“I don’t want to take a stand on whether it’s true, but I suppose it’s reasonable. Can you just put down that I ‘mostly accept’ it?”

Bob Schillerstrom:

I accept the theory of evolution. There is compelling scientific evidence to show that evolution does occur. I also believe science and religion answer life’s questions in complementary ways.

Science gives true answers, and religion gives false answers. Thus, they’re complementary. Is that not what he meant?

Dan Hynes:

I accept the theory of evolution.

I’d vote for this guy if I didn’t believe that voting is an irrational act.

Pat Quinn:

I believe that the scientific theory of evolution is the best explanation we have for the origin and diversity of species on Earth. As a Catholic, I do not see any discrepancy between my acceptance of widely held scientific principles and my faith in God as the prime mover of the universe.”

“I mostly accept evolution, but I’m a Catholic. Can you put in the article that I’m a Catholic? I don’t want people thinking I’m not a Catholic!”

–

I don’t know about you, but I’m already excited for future installments like ‘California Senate candidates mostly accept Calvinism’ and ‘New York City mayoral candidates mostly believe in gravity’ and ‘Obama appointees mostly believe in paying their taxes‘!

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Thou Shalt Steal

Dec 22nd, 2009 by Joel

Next time someone starts lecturing you on how “you can’t be good without god” (or on the similar “you can’t be moral without Mohammed,” “you can’t be ethical without Eos,” or “you can’t be virtuous without Vishnu”), you might want to let them know about Reverend Tim Jones:

Father Jones, 42, was discussing Mary and the birth of Jesus when he went on to the subject of how poor and vulnerable people cope in the run-up to Christmas.

You’d think they’d cope the same way that I do — by going to the mall, waiting patiently in line at Santa’s workshop, ripping off his beard and loudly proclaiming him to be a fraud, handing out home-printed flyers about the dubious aerodynamics of reindeer and the eco-unfriendliness of stocking-coal, and then getting thrown out by security guard Drew. However, Father Jones had a slightly different suggestion.

Did he suggest to his congregants that they sell their possessions and give to the poor? Did he encourage them to share their tunics? Did he remind them that being poor is awesome?

Those would all be good guesses, but they’d also be wrong:

‘My advice, as a Christian priest, is to shoplift,’ he told his stunned congregation at St Lawrence and St Hilda in York.

Not indiscriminately, though:

‘I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.

And while I’m not personally a fan of this revised 8th commandment (“Thou shalt not steal, except when the costs are ultimately passed to the rest of us through higher prices.”), it seems likely that security guard Drew will be super busy keeping the sticky-fingered faithful out of JC Penney, leaving me another opening to visit Santa!

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A Christmas Story

Dec 19th, 2009 by Joel

Many years and several jobs ago, I had a coworker named Beth. This was before the advent of “harassment laws” and “codes of conduct” and “HR departments,” and so our workplace banter encompassed then-controversial topics like Monica Lewinsky and John Wayne Bobbitt and Amy Fisher and Jeff Gillooly and religion.

One bright December morning, I showed up at work and found a brand-new, still-in-the-box nativity set lying there. There were many possible culprits, of course, but Beth was the most obvious, so I wandered into her office.

“Did you put this nativity set on my desk?”

“It’s not a nativity set, it’s a crèche.”

“Did you put this crèche on my desk?”

“Maybe I did.”

“Why did you put this crèche on my desk?”

“Perhaps I thought you needed a little Christmas spirit!”

Satisfied with her answer, I returned to my desk and unpacked the crèche from its neat styrofoam casing. Wanting to share my “Christmas spirit” with the rest of the office, I neatly arranged the figurines in a common area of the office.

And, of course, in order to really take ownership of the manger scene, I naturally supplemented the traditional cast of characters with my collection of Hercules and Xena action figures.

(This was long enough ago that I can’t remember why I had a collection of Hercules and Xena action figures, but it was my first “real” job and I probably didn’t know what to do with my salary other than spend it on toys.)

At first I merely scattered Hercules and Iolaus and Xena and Gabrielle throughout the scene. After a bit of reflection, I decided Xena might be more comfortable if she was holding her sword, and after this I realized the scene needed some fake blood (for which I used ketchup from the cafeteria). The scene still seemed a little bit sterile, so I scattered more weapons around, let Iolaus carry the baby Jesus, encouraged Hercules to put the moves on the radiantly post-pregnant Mary, and added an additional wise man, Jack-in-the-Box.

My crèche lasted only a day or two before I arrived at work and found it disassembled, all the pieces dumped in a pile on my chair. No one took credit for this anti-religious vandalism, although I think I know who did it, and a decade later I almost have enough evidence to hire a lawyer.

Luckily, digital cameras had just been invented at this point in history, and I got a few pictures of the manger crèche before its demise.

yrif_manger1

yrif_manger2

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Hacking into God’s Climate Data Server

Dec 3rd, 2009 by Joel

If you’re a conoisseur of religious propaganda like I am, you quickly notice certain tropes. One of my favorites is the “insert god into non-god-related current event as tortured theological metaphor” trick, which pops up all the time.

Today’s example is Beliefnet’s “Crashing God’s State Dinner,” which uses the antics of the party-crashing Salahis to reinforce standard dogma about Jesus:

Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t have such boundaries around him. The Bible says that God has an open air policy in the “Oval Office” of heaven. Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak. We can come to God in prayer like party crashers approaching God as if we’re “old buddies.”

As a public service to any religion writers who might read my blog, here are some equally topical column suggestions:

Hacking into God’s Climate Data Server:

Thank God the King of the Universe doesn’t try to subvert the peer review process.

A 31-Month Affair With God’s Cocktail Waitress:

The Bible says that God has an “open bedroom” policy in the “cocktail lounge” of heaven.

Obama to Send 30,000 More Troops to God’s Afghanistan:

Once we’re given a pass – the Bible says that coming to God in “Jesus’ Name” gives us that access – we can waltz in like we own the place. We’re children of the King after all. We do “own the place” so to speak.

Meredith Baxter, Mom on “Family Ties,” is God’s Lesbian:

We can come to God in prayer like former sitcom stars approaching God as if we’re “old lesbians.”

Hopefully this advice is useful and can help a few religion columnists survive the next round or two of layoffs.

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Swiss Ban Minarets; Hand-Puppets Next?

Nov 29th, 2009 by Joel

minarets

When I was in fifth grade, those of us in the “gifted” program spent a couple of days learning about puppeteering. We created our own minarets (mine was called “Andy,” probably in honor of Andy Kaufman) and scripted a puppet show about the LA Summer Olympics and staged it for the “non-gifted” students, who showed their appreciation by beating us up and stealing our lunches.

I’ve never cared much for puppets since. Nonetheless, I can’t say I support the Swiss plan to ban them:

“A majority of the Swiss people and the cantons have adopted the popular initiative against the construction of minarets. The Federal Council respects this decision,” a government statement said.

“Consequently the construction of new minarets in Switzerland is no longer permitted. The four existing minarets will remain.”

Apparently this is intended as some sort of rebuke to Islam, for which (as I discovered on YouTube) puppetry is a major means of proselytization.

Nonetheless, I’m guessing that it will be pretty ineffectual. First, it sounds like they can still use the four minarets they’ve already got. This may not be enough to stage “The Sound of Music,” but should be more than sufficient to put on a child-pleasing production of “Mohammed and Aisha.”

More importantly, there’s no way to stop people from following charming instructional videos made by Australian children and making their own minarets at home.

With any luck, the Swiss will quickly realize the folly of arts-and-crafts prohibition and get back to rolling chocolate cakes around layers of creme filling and drenching them with fudge coating.

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Woman Sees Image of Gallagher on Her Iron

Nov 28th, 2009 by Joel

gallagher

A Massachusetts woman who recently separated from her husband, had her hours at work cut, and moved into an apartment, says an image of Gallagher she sees on her iron has reassured her that “life is going to be good.”

Mary Jo Coady first noticed the image on Sunday when she walked into her daughter’s room.

The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a balding man with long hair who likes to destroy watermelons.

The 44-year-old Coady, who was raised Catholic, and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Gallagher and is proof that “he’s listening.”

Coady tells The Eagle-Tribune she hopes her story will inspire others during the holidays. She says she plans to smash the iron with a large mallet and buy a new one.

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Civil Disobedience (Resistance to Civil Government)

Nov 22nd, 2009 by Joel

There are too many laws these days. In some places you can’t cross the street without breaking the law. Other places you’re a criminal if you buy too much cold medicine. And there’s a global push for new laws against blasphemy.

Which is why I’m actually excited about the new religious push for civil disobediance:

Conservative Christian leaders unveiled a declaration Friday calling on Christians not to comply with rules and laws forcing them to accept abortion, same-sex marriage and other ideals that go against their religious doctrines.

To be clear, I consider the specifics of their position ludicrous. It’s difficult for me to imagine laws that would force pregnant women to accept abortions, or heterosexuals to enter into same-sex marriages. Nonetheless, if such laws were passed, I’d stand opposed with my falsely-religious brothers and sisters.

And what’s even more promising is that their opponents disagree only on the specifics:

D.C. Council member David A. Catania (I-At Large) said, “It’s a shame they don’t extend the same efforts to issues that really matter, like health care and homelessness.”

Again, it’s difficult for me to imagine laws that would force people to purchase health care or mandate that they become homeless, but against such laws I’d stand with the D.C. Council as well.

And when the anti-blasphemy laws come down the pike, hopefully the religious nuts and the politicos will stand with us!

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Obama on Eschatology and Next-World Justice

Nov 19th, 2009 by Joel

After a lot of reflection, I’ve decided not to wade into the controversy over the Fort Hood Massacre. Sure, shooter Nidal Hasan appears to have been a devout Muslim who shouted “Allahu Akbar” while he was mowing down his colleagues and who had deep respect for Anwar al-Awlaki, the spiritual adviser to the 9/11 hijackers, and whose business card described him as a Soldier (or maybe Slave) of Allah and who let his medical lectures deteriorate into diatribes about infidels and who made internet postings praising suicide bombers and who attempted to contact Al Qaeda. That’s certainly not enough information to responsibly speculate about his motivation.

No, responsible people are stuck speculating about what’s going to happen to him now. Responsible people like President Obama:

It may be hard to comprehend the twisted logic that led to this tragedy. But this much we do know: no faith justifies these murderous and craven acts; no just and loving God looks upon them with favor. And for what he has done, we know that the killer will be met with justice—in this world, and the next.

You might expect that I’d be disapproving when the President starts confidently asserting what’s going to happen in “the next” world. But you’d be wrong. In fact, I quickly realized that “Next-World Justice” is the key to otherwise-intractable political reforms.

For instance, I feel pretty confident that in a generation or two, assuming we haven’t gone extinct, that we’ll look back on the current-day practice of imprisoning users and sellers of recreational drugs as some sort of medieval barbarism.

However, my “let’s legalize drugs, so that people don’t have to be locked behind bars for engaging in the same recreational activities you did” letters to the White House have not managed to elicit a response. (Unless you count the autographed picture of Bo, which I don’t.)

But my new approach (“Drug users will suffer enough in the next world, so can’t we leave them alone in this one?”) seems like it has a much better chance of working, as it’s worded in Obama’s own language.

For my next act, I’ll try to convince the CPSC that people who sell pre-1985 children’s books will get their just deserts in the next world too!

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NASA Finally Accomplishes Something Worthwhile

Nov 12th, 2009 by Joel

I apologize for not having posted in so long, but I’ve been working on a top secret project with NASA.

You see, thanks to a combination of disingenuous Mayans, misunderstandings involving the Temples of Syrinx, the teachings of self-styled “gurus” like “the guy who killed all those people in a sweat lodge to unleash their ‘inner warriors,’” and John Cusack, people have started believing that the world is about to end. To disabuse them of this idea, we put together a Frequently Asked Questions about the “Mayan Prophecy of 2012.”

Unfortunately, an overzealous editor took some of the vim out of our answers (most of my drafts included the word “moron”), and the whole page now reads more like it was written by the government than by NASA. Nonetheless, this is a pretty awesome thing for NASA to be working on, and it certainly beats the hell out their standard fare of “adding a spare bedroom to the International Space Station” and “putting a chimp on the moon” and “forcing Howard Stern to move his show to satellite radio.”

Thanks to the success of this “2012″ project, I’m hopeful that we’ll soon get the go-ahead to use NASA to debunk other religious beliefs.

Mormonism:

Q: Is there a planet or star called Kolob that is closest to where god lives?

A: Kolob, like the rest of Mormonism, is a hoax perpetrated by Joseph Smith. There is no factual basis for these claims. If Kolob was real, astronomers would have been tracking it for at least the past decade, and it would be visible by now to the naked eye. Obviously, it does not exist.

Scientology:

Q: Was there an interplanetary nation called Helatrobus that existed around 40 trillion years ago, and that implanted the Gorilla Goals?

A: What are you, a moron?

Hellenism:

Q: Is there a “Counter-Earth” that was placed between our planet and the fiery hearth at the center of the universe in order to prevent us from seeing Zeus’s throne?

A: Yes, there are things in space that were put there in order to prevent us from seeing “Zeus’s throne.” Also, babies come from the cabbage patch, and if you put a tooth under your pillow a “fairy” will come at night and bring you a shiny new quarter!

Judeo-Christianity:

Q: How do our spaceships not crash into the solid vault of heaven?

A: If I say “magic,” will you promise not to ask any more questions?

And if these end up being popular, I’m sure I’ll get permission for my “Peace Corps FAQ on Islam” series.

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